Your Words: Do They Start Fires or Heal Hearts?

 

We need to understand how our careless words have the potential to devastate and destroy others.

Do you know someone who can’t seem to get control of his or her tongue? Do you personally struggle with gossiping, criticizing, speaking careless words that tear down rather than build up? In the first of four articles on the power of edifying speech, Dr. Debbi Dunlap discusses biblical ways to practically tame the tongue.

Words that are carelessly spoken can be devastating and destructive. Katie was a woman in our congregation who delighted in being the first to tell the latest tidbits of news to other people in the church. As soon as she heard, for example, that a couple had filed for a divorce, Katie phoned fellow church members as quickly as she could to tell them the scoop.

Katie wanted to be the first one to spread the news—both good and bad.

Or if a husband and wife discovered that they were expecting a baby they knew that the best way to get their good tidings out was to tell Katie. They could count on everyone knowing the news within hours. She seldom got her facts straight, however, and she often created a lot of confusion. She frequently exaggerated and “stretched the truth” in such a way that tended to render the actual story unrecognizable.

What made matters even worse was that Katie was an inattentive listener. She was easily distracted, and felt free to interrupt or whisper loudly when someone else was talking.

 

 

She began to get a picture of the damage she had done with her careless words.

The day arrived when I, as her pastor, was compelled to confront her on the sinful use of her tongue. I began our meeting by telling Katie that I appreciated her enthusiastic desire to communicate with other church members. I explained, however, that I wanted to help her learn how to love them more effectively, by speaking only words that edify and uplift others.

I reminded Katie that God will one day require each one of us to give an account for every word that we have ever spoken. I read her Matthew 12:35,36,

The good man out of his good treasure brings forth what is good; and the evil man out of his evil treasure brings forth what is evil. And I say to you, that every careless word that men shall speak, they shall render account for it in the day of judgment.

I saw that I had Katie’s attention.

She expressed a willingness to learn to speak in a way that honored God, and edified other people.

I continued by reading the command in Ephesians 4:29,

Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear.

 

 

I concluded our first meeting by reading 2 Timothy 2:16, 17,

But avoid worldly and empty chatter, for it will lead to further ungodliness, and their talk will spread like gangrene.

I assured Katie that I knew she did not want to intentionally harm the body of Christ, by speaking to fellow Believers in a way that displeased God. I told her that if she was willing to learn the steps to tame her tongue, God would grant her the grace to apply the truths to her daily life. She agreed to meet with me for several weeks to learn a biblical definition of “gossip,” and to study material related to giving good reports, and speaking words of edification.

 

Do Your Words Give Grace to the Hearer?

 

Review a Listening Etiquette Checklist and learn how to encourage others with your speech.

Although the tongue is a small part of the human body, when it is not restrained by God’s Holy Spirit, it can do limitless damage to others. In the second installment of a four-part series on the power of edifying speech, Dr. Debbi Dunlap provides readers with a Listening Etiquette Checklist. He also discusses practical steps for Christians who desire to obey God’s directive to speak words that “give grace to the hearer.”

Katie was a woman in our church who had become known as a troublemaker and a busybody. She had been guilty of gossiping, of misrepresenting facts, and of prying into other people’s affairs. She agreed to meet with me to discuss how to biblically control the use of her tongue. We established the goal that we would help her learn to edify others with her speech, and thus glorify God.

When we speak words that are not edifying, we defile the person we are talking to, and we defile ourselves.

I referred her to James 3:5,6,

So also the tongue is a small part of the body, and yet it boasts of great things. Behold, how great a forest is set aflame by such a small fire? And the tongue is a fire, the very world of iniquity; the tongue is set among our members as that which defiles the entire body, and sets on fire the course of our life, and is set on fire by hell.

We then looked at Proverbs 15:4,

A soothing tongue is a tree of life, but perversion in it crushes the spirit.

I explained that her speech could either tear people down, or build them up, depending on her obedience to God’s commands regarding the use of the tongue.

I urged her to consider how obedience to these passages in God’s Word would enhance her testimony for Jesus Christ.

 

 

I suggested that we both memorize James 1:26 before our next meeting the following week. Katie agreed to the plan, and we wrote the verse on cards so that we could carry it with us throughout the coming seven days:

If anyone thinks himself to be religious, and yet does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this man’s religion is worthless.

We began our second meeting with a discussion of what I call the “Listening Etiquette Checklist.” I told Katie that one of the most important steps in learning to accurately report facts is listening attentively and politely when someone is speaking. I asked her to fill out a brief yes/no checklist, to help her determine whether or not she had mastered this skill.

1.      When someone is talking to you, either individually or in a group setting, do you ever whisper to someone else, or listen to someone whispering to you? Yes/No

 

2.      Do you ever gaze around at other people or things when someone is talking to you? Yes/No

 

3.      Do you frown, yawn, or make other negative facial expressions when someone is speaking to you? Yes/No

 

4.      Do you look at your watch or a clock when someone is talking to you? Yes/No

 

5.      Do you ever ask inappropriate or prying questions when someone is relating facts to you? Yes/No

 

I knew for certain that Katie had frequently been guilty of all the offenses listed in the checklist, but I wanted to give her the opportunity to realize and acknowledge this for herself. She answered Yes to all five questions, and we proceeded to examine specific ways that she could change her present behavior.

 

How to Have Edifying Speech

 

When we violate the biblical principles that govern the use of the tongue, we harm others.

In the third installment of a four-part series on the power of edifying speech, Dr. Debbi Dunlap continues the case study of a woman named Katie. Katie frequently stirred up trouble among fellow church members. In this article we read of how she came to realize the strife and confusion she was causing, and we learn of her subsequent repentance and determination to learn to speak words that edify and build others up.

Katie, a woman in our church, was guilty of using her tongue sinfully and unwisely.

She frequently stirred up strife and contention among members of our congregation, by gossiping, reporting facts inaccurately, and pressing people for information that did not concern her. She agreed to meet with me for several weeks, in order to learn how to speak words of encouragement, truth, edification and healing.

The writer of Proverbs 25:11 exhorts us,

A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.

 

 

I explained to Katie that the five questions on the “Listening Etiquette” checklist were all related to various biblical principles. I told her that when we violate the biblical commands that govern the use of the tongue, we do damage to the body of Christ. We discussed each of the five questions individually.

1.  When we impolitely whisper, or listen to someone else whispering while an individual is speaking in a group setting, we communicate a lack of respect for the speaker. A Christian should demonstrate good manners by not distracting or interrupting a speaker with discourteous behavior. I mentioned to Katie the fact that an amazing number of adults, as well as children, are guilty of whispering loudly when other people are talking.

 

2.  Looking around at other people, or things, while someone is talking to us makes a definite statement. We communicate the nonverbal message, “What you’re saying isn’t important to me.” We should, instead, extend the speaker the courtesy of our eye contact, and our full, undivided attention. This helps us gather all the facts regarding a given situation. It also makes us, subsequently, less likely to misrepresent the truth by being only partially informed. I urged Katie to make an effort to always report facts exactly as she heard them, without taking the liberty to change them at all.

 

3.  Frowning, yawning and making other negative facial expressions speak volumes to someone who is talking with us. Our unspoken message is, “I’m tired of listening to you,” or, “Are you sure you know what you’re talking about?” We selfishly short-circuit the communication process when we are unwilling to listen to someone else speak, without grimacing or rolling our eyes, for example. Katie agreed that she did not want to gain a reputation as a “know-it-all” and she resolved to be a more affirming listener.

 

4.  Glancing at our watch or a clock tells the person who is speaking to us, “I think you’ve already talked too long and I don’t intend to endure this much longer.” Instead, we should strive to exhibit the gentleness and patience of Christ, in order to encourage the person we are talking with to express himself/herself freely and unhurriedly.

 

5.  Plying someone with inappropriate questions is rude and indiscreet. Christians must acknowledge the fact that God places limitations on all speech. We are not free to pry into other people’s lives, or dig for information that is none of our business. I encouraged Katie to make a commitment to refrain from asking any questions that were motivated by curiosity. She admitted to often going beyond the bounds of concern, and being guilty of “nosey” interference in other people’s lives.

 

After we had gone through these five points together, Katie responded by praying and asking the Holy Spirit to help her speak only words that would uplift and edify others. She repented and asked God’s forgiveness for the way that she had sinfully misused her tongue to work confusion and division among her brothers and sisters in Christ.

 

Want to be an Encourager? Here’s How!

 

Want to learn to speak edifying words? Read some practical suggestions for building others up.

In the final article of a four-part series on the power of edifying speech, Dr. Debbi Dunlap discusses six practical suggestions for speaking edifying words. He urges readers to dedicate their speech to God, to read His Word daily, to assume responsibility for every word, and to become accountable to others for their speech.

God issues His children a stern warning in Psalm 34:13,

Keep your tongue from evil, and your lips from speaking deceit.

Katie, a woman in our church, had repented before God for failing to guard her tongue. She made a list of people that she had offended by gossiping, criticizing, backbiting, and lying. She sought each of them out individually, and asked their forgiveness for the harm that she had done.

As Katie and I met together for several more weeks, we studied these practical suggestions for how to speak edifying words.

1.  Daily dedicate your heart and speech to God.

 

Ask the Holy Spirit to prompt you each time you are tempted to use your tongue foolishly or sinfully. Memorize Romans 12:1, “Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice…”

2.  Read the Bible daily, to put your heart in tune with God.

 

God’s Word is the Bread of Life for believers. Memorize Psalm 119:9,13, “How can a young man keep his way pure? By keeping it according to Your Word. With my lips I have told of all the ordinances of Your mouth.”

3.  Assume responsibility for every word that you speak.

 

The book of James describes the tongue as a restless evil, full of deadly poison. Be aware of the damage that an unruly tongue can do. Memorize Matthew 12:36, 37, “I say to you, that every careless word that men shall speak, they shall render account for it in the day of judgment. For by your words you shall be justified, and by your words you shall be condemned.”

4.  Submit yourself to the scrutiny of others. Ask trusted friends to tell you when you speak offensively.

 

The writer of Proverbs 27:6 reminds us that the wounds of a friend are faithful, but the kisses and flattery of an enemy are deceitful. Genuine friends speak the truth in love to us, and sharpen our testimony for Christ. Memorize Proverbs 17:10, “A rebuke goes deeper into one who has understanding than a hundred blows into a fool.”

5.  Repent to God and others when you misuse your tongue.

 

Heed the command of Matthew 5:23,24. “If, therefore, you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar, and go our way; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering.”

6.  Strive to speak words that encourage, comfort, build up, inspire, challenge, and edify.

 

God wants us to stimulate our brothers and sisters in Christ, to love and good deeds. Praise them for their strengths. Commend them when they boldly take a stand for Christ. Point out their positive character traits. Verbally affirm the qualities that you appreciate in their lives. Listen to them attentively when they speak, and purpose never to interrupt them.

 

 

Memorize Philippians 4:8 and apply it to all your speech. “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”