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Avoiding Marital Disaster
Men and women seem to undergo a radical change
immediately following the wedding ceremony. |
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Some men seem
to undergo a radical change immediately
following the wedding ceremony.
Many men think
they understand their wives. Most men do not
understand their wives very well at all.
A man should
make an effort to speak words of kindness,
encouragement and humility to his wife.
A woman's need
for dialogue in the marriage relationship is
very different than a man's.
If we place
unrealistic expectations on our mates, we will
be unable to love them unconditionally.
The strengths
and weaknesses of husbands and wives are meant
to complement one another in marriage.
Wives harm
their marriage when they praise their husbands
only when they think they deserve it.
God commands
us to speak the truth in love to one another,
but there are limitations on speech.
Is it possible
for a wife to submit outwardly to her husband,
and yet not have a submitted heart? |
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After
the Wedding Ceremony
Some men seem to undergo a
radical change immediately following the wedding
ceremony.
If you are a newly
married wife, did your husband begin to change
drastically just months or even weeks after your
wedding ceremony was over? Have you found
yourself wondering whether he is the same man
that you married? In this first article of a
ten-part series on restoring marriage, Dr. Debbi Dunlap sets the stage for explaining to women
why they suddenly discover differences in their
new husbands that they never knew existed before
marriage.
During the past
several years of my counseling ministry, I have
conducted an informal survey on newlywed males.
The startling conclusion that I have reached has
been confirmed by hundreds of brides.
Men undergo a radical change immediately
following the wedding ceremony.
Nearly all of
these women attest to the fact that a most
amazing thing happens to their husbands, just
minutes after the wedding ceremony is over. The
bride makes her way to the bridal dressing room,
overcome with visions of a lifetime of blissful
love, meaningful communication and sweet
companionship. She doesn’t suspect, for one
moment, that anything could possibly be
happening to her husband while she changes from
her wedding dress into her traveling clothes.
She hopes that the change can be attributed to
“wedding day jitters,” but she soon realizes
that this is not the case.
What she does
not know is that while she is changing clothes,
something is happening to her husband in another
part of the church. He is metamorphosing into
another creature. She detects it, for the first
time, on their honeymoon, but she holds out hope
that the stress of the wedding day has brought
about this noticeable change. She finds,
however, that things do not get better with
time.
Before she
married this man of her dreams, he seemed to
like everything that she liked. He shared her
love for classical music, and he delighted in
joining her in her hobbies. Her favorite
restaurants were his favorite places to dine. He
counted the hours until he could gaze deeply
into her eyes in the flickering candlelight, and
tell her tenderly, “Share every detail with me,
darling. I want to hear all about it.”
He gladly went
shopping with her because he wanted to be near
her. He was courteous and thoughtful, opening
doors for her and sending her flowers. He knew
when she needed a hug for encouragement, and he
didn’t try to “fix” her feelings with pat
solutions. He listened to her patiently and
offered her compassion and understanding. He
even won her mother’s heart with his kind and
considerate ways, although Dad was a bit
suspicious.
He changes so drastically that she wonders if he
has had a brain transplant.
This
transformation that has taken place in her
husband seems to affect the lobes of his brain.
His “talking lobe” has been replaced with a
“watching TV lobe.” His “shopping” lobe is
replaced with a “hobbies or sports viewing”
lobe. His “attentive” lobe is replaced with a
“distracted” lobe. His “caring” lobe is replaced
with a “career” lobe. His “listening” lobe is
replaced with a “fixing her” lobe. His
“courteous” lobe is replaced with a “burp,
scratch, and do other things that offend her”
lobe. His “feelings” lobe is replaced with a
“logical” lobe, and his “self-controlled” lobe
is replaced with an “always interested in sex”
lobe.
Where he once hung on her every word, he now
believes he is right all the time.
Now her husband
disagrees with her on everything. He thinks that
he is always right and she is always wrong. To
her dismay, she suddenly discovers scores of
differences between them. She wonders in
despair, “Is there any hope for our marriage?”
The greatest
hope for her is that, by God’s grace, a godly
man will come along beside her husband and teach
him how to be the caring, loving, compassionate
man that she thought she was marrying. She must
first, by faith, release her husband to the
Lord. Then she must cooperate with God, as He
works to accomplish His will in her husband’s
life. |
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The Power of
Praise
A man should make an effort to
speak words of kindness, encouragement and
humility to his wife.
If you are a
husband, do you take time to praise your wife
for the many things that she does for you and
for your children? In this second installment of
a ten-article series on restoring marriage, Dr. Debbi Dunlap explains to men that merely thinking
kind thoughts about their wives is not enough.
He encourages husbands to direct those thoughts
from their brains to their tongues, and then to
lovingly articulate the words to their wives. He
reminds men that speaking edifying words to
their wives serves to reinforce their sense of
self-worth.
The second way
that a husband damages his marriage relationship
is by neglecting to praise his wife for the many
things that she does every day for him and for
the family. A husband must not merely think
kind thoughts about his wife. That is not
enough. His thoughts should travel from his
brain to his tongue, where they should then be
articulated in carefully chosen words. A man who
expresses sincere verbal compliments and words
of appreciation to his wife communicates his
love for her in a powerful way.
A woman has the ability to discern when her
husband’s words of praise are insincere.
A wife will
detect empty flattery. A husband’s words of
praise should be genuine and specific. He should
praise his wife, for example, for a particular
character quality, a certain act of service, or
a special physical attribute. Men should never
speak words of affirmation to manipulate their
wives or to get something that they want. This
is not only deceitful and selfish, but it causes
a wife to become suspicious of all her husband’s
attempts to affirm her.
The writer of Proverbs 15:23 says,
A man finds joy in giving an apt
reply, and how good is a timely word.
Paul exhorts us in Hebrews 3:13,
Encourage one another daily, as
long as it is called “Today,” so that none of
you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.
We read this command in 1 Thessalonians 5:11,
Therefore, encourage one another,
and build one another up, just as you also are
doing.
A man should make an earnest effort to speak
words of kindness, encouragement and humility to
his wife.
A husband
should learn to speak encouraging words.
Encouraging words, spoken from his heart can be
especially healing for a wife who was verbally
abused as a child. Harsh, cruel words that were
spoken to her when she was a child often linger
condemningly in her mind. A husband’s loving
words will begin to replace the pain of her
early memories. His words will refresh and bless
her heart.
Husbands should
remember to speak kind words to their
wives. We find that Ephesians 4:32 emphasizes
the importance of speaking words of kindness:
Be kind and compassionate to one
another.
The writer of
Colossians 3:12 eloquently states,
Therefore, as God’s chosen
people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves
with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness
and patience.
It is important
for a husband to speak humble words to
his wife. Paul reminds us in Romans 12:10,
Be devoted to one another in
brotherly love. Honor one another above
yourselves.
Likewise, he
instructs us in Ephesians 4:2,
Be completely humble and gentle;
be patient, bearing with one another in love.
A wife draws her deepest encouragement from her
husband’s prayers for her.
Finally, a
husband ministers to his wife’s deepest needs
when he prays for her. We read these
words in Colossians 4:2,
Devote yourselves to prayer,
keeping alert in it with an attitude of
thanksgiving.
A husband
should look for ways to build his wife’s inner
spirit. When he focuses on her weaknesses and
failures, he communicates an unwillingness to
accept her and love her unconditionally. He
should heed the exhortation of Philippians 4:8,
Whatever is true, honorable,
right, pure, lovely, excellent, of good repute,
and worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on
these things.
A woman who is
not praised by her husband gradually loses her
self-respect. When she feels unaccepted by her
husband, she often begins to focus
materialistically on things, and has
little motivation to grow personally and
spiritually. However, when a husband speaks
edifying words to his wife, he reinforces her
sense of self-worth. |
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Husbands: Never Assume Anything!
Many men think they understand
their wives. Most men do not understand their
wives very well at all.
Although men
generally think that they understand women, most
of them actually do not. Husbands must be humble
enough to admit that they do not truly
understand their wives. In this third segment of
a ten-article series on restoring marriage, Dr. Debbi Dunlap encourages husbands to acknowledge
the fact that their sinful, corrupted natures
hinder them from acting tenderly and
compassionately toward their wives. He urges men
to express genuine humility to their wives when
they offend them, and to ask them for
forgiveness.
Men often make
a third mistake that seriously harms their
marriage relationship. They assume that
they understand what the specific needs of a
woman are.
Most men are blind to the fact that they do not
really understand their wives.
The writer of
Philippians 2:4 warns,
None of you should think only of
his own affairs, but should learn to see things
from other people’s points of view.
Most men tend
to be egocentric. They look at life only from
their own perspective. Thus, although men
generally think that they understand women, they
actually do not. A husband must be humble enough
to admit that he does not truly understand his
wife. He must also acknowledge the fact that his
own sinful and corrupted nature is what hinders
him from being tender and compassionate toward
her.
Until a man attempts to view life from his
wife’s perspective, he cannot live with her in
an understanding way.
The command in
1 Peter 3:7 is specifically directed toward men:
You husbands, live with your
wives in an understanding way.
No husband has
the biblical option not to understand his wife.
Yet, when he thinks that he finally understands
her, he often finds that she changes. A man must
commit himself to becoming a master student of
his wife over the period of a lifetime. He
should invest whatever time is necessary to
learn how a woman thinks. A husband must find
out what is important to his wife and seek to
view life from her point of view. He should
express gratitude for her attentiveness to
details and for the extra little things that she
does to demonstrate her love for him.
The fourth way
that a husband contributes to the downfall of a
marriage is to seldom admit to his own failure.
A mere superficial admission of wrongdoing is
equally as ineffective and offensive as an
outright refusal to admit guilt. Most men are
proficient at general confessions when they have
made a mistake, but they are unwilling to own up
to their specific offenses. Nonspecific
confessions of guilt usually serve to make
matters worse.
When a man refuses to admit that he is wrong he
loses the respect of his wife and children.
When a husband
refuses to humble himself before his wife and
ask for forgiveness, his pride wounds her
spirit. She often becomes increasingly unwilling
to admit her own guilt when she is wrong, and
she frequently develops emotional and physical
coolness toward her husband.
A husband must
realize that he is responsible for keeping good
communication lines open with his wife and his
family. Some men believe they lose the respect
of people who are under their authority if they
admit that they make mistakes. They wrongly
conclude that their family will interpret an
admission of guilt as weakness.
The opposite is
true. Family members know that no one is
perfect. When a husband or father is willing to
admit that he is wrong, he earns his family’s
respect and honor. His humility becomes an
example to his family. His wife and his children
soon learn to follow his example of repentance
and restoration. We read in James 4:6 that God
resists the proud, but He gives grace to the
humble. Husbands must ask God for the grace to
express genuine humility when they offend their
wives, and they must be willing to ask for
forgiveness.
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Communication and Togetherness
A woman's need for dialogue in
the marriage relationship is very different than
a man's.
Many men do not
understand their wives’ need for meaningful
communication with their husbands. Women desire
not only to spend time with their husbands, but
they want their focused, undivided attention as
well. Husbands often do not know how to engage
their wives in in-depth communication. In this
fourth installment of a ten-part series on
restoring marriage, Dr. Debbi Dunlap explains the
elements of quality communication between
husbands and wives.
The key
ingredient in spending quality time with someone
is togetherness. Proximity is not the
same thing as togetherness. It is possible to be
physically near someone and yet, remain
emotionally distanced from him or her.
A woman’s need for meaningful dialogue is very
different than a man’s.
The fifth way
that many husbands damage their marriage is
their failure to understand a woman’s need for
meaningful communication with her husband. She
desires not only to spend time with him, but to
have his focused attention as well.
Many men who
come to me for marriage counseling tell me that
they do not know how to engage their wives in
in-depth communication. They express to me that
they generally do not have the same longing for
conversation that their wives express. A woman
has a God-given need, nonetheless, to talk with
her husband, and to communicate her feelings to
him. Every husband who wants to obey God’s
command to live with his wife in an
understanding way would benefit from an
explanation of what constitutes quality
communication.
Most men do not know how to initiate meaningful
communication with their wives.
When husbands
and wives enter into meaningful dialogue, they
share their thoughts, their experiences, their
feelings and their desires in a friendly,
uninterrupted context. They give each other
their undivided attention and they listen
attentively to what their spouse has to say.
They do not allow themselves to be distracted by
television, or by reading a book or newspaper.
They do not
allow children to run in and out of the room to
interrupt their conversation. They ask each
other meaningful questions that demonstrate a
genuine desire to understand one another’s
thoughts and feelings. Their focus is on
listening and understanding their mate, not on
coming up with solutions.
When a husband talks with his wife he should try
to understand her, not fix her.
They resist the
temptation to give each other advice unless
their spouse specifically asks for it, and they
remember that “fixing” one another is not their
job. Rather, they seek to communicate a loving
and accepting spirit that says, “I care about
the things that affect your life.”
One of the best
gifts that a husband can give his wife is to
invite her to sit down with him and talk about
their day. This does not require long periods of
time. Usually a few minutes – undistracted - go
a long way toward meeting a wife’s need for
communication.
He should look her in the eye and resist the
temptation to watch TV or read the newspaper
while he talks with her.
It may be
helpful for a husband to consider these
suggestions to enhance his communication
efforts. He should maintain eye contact with his
wife when she is talking. He should not try to
do something else at the same time that she is
speaking. It is a good idea to listen for and
try to identify the feelings behind her words.
It is important to observe her body language and
not interrupt her. If a husband does not
understand something his wife says, he should
ask her for clarification.
A husband should try to establish a regular time
every day when he sits down with his wife to
share their day with one another.
It is helpful
to remember that the goal is to discuss not only
the events of the day, but also what he and his
wife think and feel about them.
This will
usually be much easier for a woman than for a
man. Wives will be grateful for their husbands’
attempts, however, and it will become
progressively easier for men as they practice
and perfect their communication skills. |
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The
Poison of Expectations
If we place unrealistic
expectations on our mates, we will be unable to
love them unconditionally.
Before
marriage, men and women usually put their best
foot forward and they see very few negative
qualities in one another’s lives. Many women
enter marriage thinking,
I know there are some things
about him that I don’t like, but when I get
through with him he’ll be a different person.
Men, on the
other hand, generally think,
When I’m with this woman I feel
great. She is wonderful and I hope she never
changes. I always want to feel this way.
We will be unable to love our mates
unconditionally if we place expectations on him
or her.
Unrealistic
expectations drain the life out of a marriage
relationship. The average man can never live up
to his wife’s expectations. Her expectations
invariably result in wrong attitudes and an
unforgiving spirit toward her husband.
When a woman
does not give her expectations to God in a
marriage, she damages the spirit of the
relationship. Whereas she once focused on the
positive qualities that she saw in her husband
before marriage, she now criticizes him for not
measuring up to her standards. If before
marriage she saw him, for example, as a man of
confidence and strength, she now considers him
arrogant and harsh.
The qualities that she once admired in her
husband soon become sources of irritation.
If she
previously thought of him as soft spoken and
mellow, she now views him as timid and weak, or
passive and boring. Whereas she once considered
him affectionate and witty, she now thinks of
him as oversexed and sarcastic. If she formerly
admired him for his convictions and ambition,
she now believes he is a know-it-all and a
workaholic.
It is only after the wedding that her husband
reveals his “other side” in dramatic fashion. At
first, people who seem to be opposites are
attracted to each other. Then they often begin
to frustrate and irritate one another. Finally,
they ignite a fiery anger in each other that
consumes the joy of their marriage
relationship.
Women who express genuine gratitude are very
appealing to men.
Men are
attracted to women who have a grateful spirit. A
wife who places demands and expectations on her
husband cannot possibly express gratitude to
him. Wives must give their expectations to God.
The writer of Psalm 62:5 demonstrates how we are
to do that. “My soul, wait in silence for God
only, for my hope is from Him.” A grateful,
happy wife is a tribute to her husband, but an
unhappy wife is a public rebuke to him.
A wife must not
seek her happiness in her relationship with her
husband. The only way that she will be truly
happy is to obey the command of Colossians 3:1,
Set your affections on things
above.
The “things
above” that the writer of this verse refers to
include the Lord Jesus Christ, heaven, God’s
Word, the souls of other people and true wisdom.
A wife should seek to learn godly contentment.
She will never find happiness in material
possessions. When a woman comes to understand
that “things” compete with Christ, she will be
willing to offer all of her earthly expectations
and comforts in exchange for knowing Christ more
fully.
A wife’s sincere praise is a powerful motivation
for her husband.
A wife should remember that when
she praises her husband she increases his sense
of self-worth. She can praise her husband for
the wise choices that he makes, for the security
that he provides for the family and for the
achievements that he has accomplished.
She must
acknowledge the truth that God uses tribulations
to produce the character of Christ in her life.
Then she should express to her husband, the
specific character qualities that she believes
God is building into her life as a result of the
problems that she is facing in marriage. |
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Tell
Your Husband Your Needs
The strengths and weaknesses of
husbands and wives are meant to complement one
another in marriage.
Husbands and
wives live together in the most up close and
personal way. She dulls his new razor when she
borrows it to shave her legs. He leaves his
clothes lying around on the floor. She forgets
to put the lid back on the toothpaste and he
leaves the toilet lid up. She doesn’t turn the
light off when she leaves a room and he forgets
to lock the doors at night.
Marriage partners inevitably step on one
another’s toes from time to time. As husbands
and wives allow resentments to creep into their
relationship, the joy they once experienced in
one another’s presence begins to ebb away.
The prayer of
any husband or wife who has been offended by his
or her spouse should be, “Lord may I be the
first one to forgive.” This is not usually the
case.
All too often offended partners
employ a deadly battle tactic. They hold out,
declaring that they will not make things right
until the offender admits that he or she is
wrong. They are determined they will not swallow
their pride and be the first one to crumble, no
matter how long it takes.
They inform
their spouse that they are prepared to grant
forgiveness as soon as their mate comes to his
or her senses and apologizes for having behaved
poorly. God’s Word makes it clear that it is
sinful to demand an apology from an offender as
a prerequisite for forgiving him or her.
It is solely the Holy Spirit’s job to convict
husbands and wives of the error of their ways.
We often get in God’s way when we try to convict
our spouse of his or her sin.
When offenses
occur, husbands and wives should carefully
evaluate themselves in order to experience
repentance and biblical forgiveness. Several
questions become very helpful at this point:
1.
Did I cause an offense by my
attitude?
2.
Although my words were
acceptable, did I demonstrate a proud attitude
or an unyielding spirit?
3.
Am I guilty of any wrong actions?
4.
Were there things I failed to do
that I should have done?
5.
Did I act defensive, insincere,
make excuses, or try to justify my wrong
behavior?
6.
Did I try to shift blame to my
spouse, instead of taking full responsibility
for my words and actions?
7.
Did I attempt to minimize my
offense and act as though it was really no big
deal?
8.
Did I ridicule my spouse for
feeling hurt by my words or actions?
9.
Did I act as though I was too
busy or preoccupied to deal with the offense?
10.
Did I bring up my spouse’s past
sins and remind my spouse that he or she is “not
perfect either?”
Christians who
desire to walk in a manner that is pleasing to
the Lord must make an earnest and diligent
effort to master the biblical principles of
forgiveness. We need to make it our goal to
humble ourselves and be the first one to forgive
whenever we experience marital conflict.
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How
to Encourage Your Husband
Wives harm their marriage when
they praise their husbands only when they think
they deserve it.
Wives harm
their marriage a fourth way by expressing praise
and admiration to their husbands only when they
think their husbands deserve it. Every man wants
his wife to accept him for who he is and not for
what she wants him to be. He also wants his mate
to value and appreciate him.
A man needs 3 “a’s” from his wife in order to
feel loved and successful as a husband:
acceptance, appreciation and admiration.
There are
several barriers that prevent a wife from
accepting, appreciating, and admiring her
husband. She may feel awkward when she expresses
a compliment to her husband. Or she may not
accept him as he is, unconditionally. She could,
perhaps, believe that since her spouse is
already too proud and self-centered, her
compliments would only inflate his ego.
Possibly, she doesn’t observe any qualities in
her husband that she deems praiseworthy.
Some husbands are embarrassed to receive
compliments and they stop their wives when they
try to praise them. In such a situation, a wife
should not become discouraged, but should
continue to regularly express her love and
appreciation to her husband.
Someone has
said that we must make four positive statements
to offset a negative one. When a wife makes a
negative comment about her husband in front of
other people she multiplies the impact of the
hurt. Whether or not a wife speaks negatively of
her husband, she can undermine his manliness in
many other ways.
A wife must help her husband learn to protect
her by telling him what her needs are.
A woman, who
expects her husband to naturally know how to
protect her physically, spiritually, mentally
and emotionally, will most likely be
disappointed. A wife must tell her husband how
he can protect her. She should realize that a
spirit of self-sufficiency kills love. God does
not intend, for example, for wives to be
financially independent of their husbands.
This, of course, does not mean
that a woman should not earn more money than her
husband. The important consideration is the
attitude that she demonstrates regarding the
amount of money that she makes. Does she
communicate an arrogant, independent spirit or a
willingness to humbly support and encourage her
husband’s efforts to provide for the family?
Even if her husband is not spiritually minded,
the Lord may use a wife’s questions to cause him
to grow spiritually.
Wives wound
their husbands when they show greater loyalty to
other leaders, such as relatives, friends,
pastors and church leaders. A wife should go to
her husband with spiritual questions,
acknowledging the fact that God may use her
questions to draw her husband closer to Himself.
A woman who reviews her husband’s past failures
and resists his decisions destroys his sense of
self-worth. When she resists his physical
affection she crushes his spirit. If she takes
matters into her own hands and intrudes into her
husband’s arena of responsibility, she may
temporarily avert negative consequences, but she
may cause ultimate destruction in their marriage
relationship.
The writer of
James 5:16 tells us,
The effective prayer of a
righteous man can accomplish much.
A wife should
learn the power of crying out to God in prayer
for her husband. She should not become her
husband’s conscience, but should wisely appeal
to him when he makes wrong decisions. Then she
should lovingly give him room to fail. Above
all, she should continue to express her love and
support for her husband as God teaches him
valuable lessons in the midst of failure.
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