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Conflict Among Friends Series
When Christian friends experience conflict
they must take steps to resolve their
differences.
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When Christian friends experience conflict
they must take steps to resolve their
differences.
When Christian friends experience conflict
they must take steps to resolve their
differences.
When Christian friends do not resolve their
conflict swiftly, their lives are a hindrance to
others. |
When Conflict Threatens
Friendship
Dr.
Debbi Dunlap
When Christian
friends experience conflict they must
take steps to resolve their differences.
In this 1st
article of a three-part series, Dr.
Debbi Dunlap
relates the story of two women who,
although they have been close friends
for years, come to an impasse and
ultimately refuse even to greet one
another socially. They agree to come for
counseling and after filling out a
self-evaluation checklist, they repent
and reconcile with each other. Dr.
Dunlap examines how unresolved conflict
with our friends hinders our Christian
testimonies, and adversely affects the
lives of others.
Linda and
Katherine were faithful members of a
church that I
pastored several years ago. They
had been close friends for many years
and they demonstrated a deep love for
the Lord. The younger women in the
church looked to them for guidance and
wise counsel.
Katherine accused
Linda of gossiping about her to another
church member.
Linda and
Katherine encouraged and affirmed each
other’s strong leadership capabilities,
but they each had very definite ideas
about how things should be done. They
reached an impasse one day concerning
how to most effectively conduct a
women’s weekly prayer meeting.
Their
disagreement rapidly grew into a serious
misunderstanding. Linda had privately
asked one of the younger women in the
group for her opinion in the matter, and
Katherine became convinced that Linda
had gossiped about her. Linda
defensively countered that Katherine was
suspiciously jumping to conclusions and
falsely accusing her.
Within a matter of days, these two
spiritually mature Christian women
were avoiding one another and even
stubbornly refusing to greet each
other at church. Their conflict
adversely affected many people in
the congregation.
The two women could
not resolve their dispute and they were
harming their Christian testimony.
A third woman in
the church went to them and appealed to
them to settle the problem between
themselves, but neither woman was
willing to take the first step. They
both agreed, however, to meet with me to
seek a resolution to their disagreement.
When they arrived for the meeting, I
asked them if they would be willing
to fill out a short “yes/no”
checklist before we began discussing
the issue. They said that they
would, and they proceeded to answer
the following questions:
1.
Do I genuinely love the other
person involved in this situation?
Yes/No
2.
Have I demonstrated an ungrateful
spirit for the things that this
person has done for me and for others?
Yes/No
3.
Am I willing to lay down my life as a
servant for this person? Yes/No
4.
Do I have an independent
spirit, wanting my own way?
Yes/No
5.
Is there any bitterness
in my heart that results from
unforgiveness?
Yes/No
6.
Have I acted in an impatient and
frustrated manner? Yes/No
7.
Have I exhibited a condemning
spirit? Yes/No
8.
Am I willing to have my own blind
spots pointed out? Yes/No
9.
Am I responsible for any wrong
in this situation? Yes/No
10.
Have I demonstrated the
humility of Jesus Christ in this
matter? Yes/No
After Linda and
Katherine gave me their answers, I led
in prayer, inviting the Holy Spirit to
do a work of conviction and healing in
their lives and in their friendship.
Then I read 1 Peter 4:8-10,
Above all, keep
fervent in your love for one another,
because love covers a multitude of sins.
Be hospitable to one another without
complaint. As each one has received a
special gift, employ it in serving one
another, as good stewards of the
manifold grace of God.
I cautioned them
that their behavior was hindering their
testimony for Christ and their actions
were negatively impacting other people.
I suggested that we examine the biblical
truths regarding not judging one
another. They agreed that it would be
profitable for us to review the
pertinent Scripture verses together.
When a Friend Betrays You
Dr.
Debbi
Dunlap
When friends
ignore the conflict that has
occurred between them, the problem
always intensifies.
In the 2nd
part of a three-article series on
conflict between friends, Dr. Debbi
Dunlap explains several steps that
Christians should follow when they
are unable to resolve conflict
between themselves. First, they
should identify the problem in a
non-accusatory manner. Next, they
should list the obstacles that
hinder them from resolving the
conflict. Then, they must identify
the points that they agree upon, and
take responsibility for the ways
they contributed to the problem.
Two
quarrelling church members, Linda
and Katherine, had been unwilling to
resolve the conflict between
themselves.
Their disunity was negatively
affecting many other people’s lives.
When a third friend confronted them
about their unbiblical attitudes
they consented to meet with me,
their pastor. We agreed that it
would be wise to review the
scriptural principles regarding the
sin of judging others.
These
women
who were long-time friends and
outstanding examples of godly
womanhood to younger women, had
hurled unkind accusations at one
another.
We began with
Luke 6:37,
Do not judge
and you will not be judged; and do
not condemn and you will not be
condemned; forgive and you will be
forgiven.
I explained
to them that they were guilty of the
sin of condemning because of
the accusations that they had
leveled against one another. We also
discussed Jesus’ sobering warning in
Matthew 7:1,2,
Do not judge,
lest you be judged. For in the way
you judge, you will be judged; and
by your standard of measure, it will
be measured to you.
First,
I told them that we needed to
identify the problem from each of
their perspectives, without
declaring the other person “guilty”
of any sin. We quickly concurred
that the problem was their
conflicting views on how best to
conduct the women’s weekly prayer
group meeting.
They needed to
rationally identify the problem. If
they tried to ignore it and pretend
it didn’t exist, the problem would
intensify.
Second,
I asked them to list the
obstacles that prevented the two of
them from attaining one mind and one
heart in the matter. Then I
suggested that they should have
confronted one another in a more
loving manner. I gave Katherine an
example of how she could have
expressed her rebuke more gently.
“Linda, I feel uncomfortable that
you asked a group member for her
opinion about something that you and
I had not yet gotten settled between
us. I don’t think it was appropriate
for you to bring someone else into
the debate unless I knew about it
first.”
I told Linda
that she, on the other hand, could
have stated her position in this
way, “Katherine, I am grieved that
you so quickly assumed that I was
gossiping about you. That was not my
intent. I simply wanted to get
another perspective on the matter. I
wish you had given me a chance to
explain my actions to you before you
accused me of such a serious
offense.”
Their love for
God and their desire to obey Him was
the basis for their agreement on
several points.
Third,
I requested that they tell me what
points they agreed upon. They
both said that they wanted to help
lead a women’s prayer group that
would honor God, and minister to the
women’s needs. They wanted to share
the responsibility for joint
leadership of the group. Finally,
they agreed that they loved,
respected and appreciated one
another.
Fourth,
I appealed to them to assume
responsibility for their individual
contributions to the
misunderstanding. I led them both to
acknowledge the fact that they had
been guilty of judging one another’s
hearts, instead of demonstrating an
attitude of reverence and humility.
I reminded them of the admonition in
Romans 14:10,
But you, why do
you judge your brother? Or you
again, why do you regard your
brother with contempt? For we shall
all stand before the judgment seat
of God.
As Katherine
and Linda considered the scripture
verses that I shared with them, they
began to realize how they had
wronged each other. It became
evident that the Holy Spirit was
accomplishing a work of conviction
and reconciliation in their lives.
Mending a Broken Friendship
Dr. Debbi
Dunlap
When
Christian friends do not resolve
their conflict swiftly, their
lives are a hindrance to others.
In this
final article of a three-part
series on conflict between
friends, Dr. Dunlap urges
Christians to resolve any
conflict that exists between
themselves and someone else. He
offers readers four practical
steps that they can implement
when they are unable to resolve
disagreements. He emphasizes the
importance of resolving conflict
swiftly and lovingly.
Two
Christian friends, Katherine and
Linda, met with me so that I
could mediate their ongoing
disagreement concerning how to
lead a women’s prayer group in
our church. After we defined the
problem, listed the obstacles to
solving the problem, determined
what points they agreed upon,
and identified each person’s
contribution to the
misunderstanding, we continued
with the final step.
Fifth,
I asked them if they were
willing to make several changes
and take certain steps in order
to reach a solution. They
assured me that they were, and
we began to work together on a
list of specific suggestions
that they would begin to
implement immediately.
a.
I
explained to them that they had
disobeyed God’s Word by focusing
their attention and energy on
each other’s offenses rather
than seeking to restore
each other in love. I urged them
to focus instead on their own
weaknesses and blind
spots and reminded them
to be careful to examine
themselves before
evaluating
someone else’s behavior. We
discussed Romans 2:1,
“Therefore, you are without
excuse, every one of you who
passes judgment, for in that you
judge another, you condemn
yourself, for you who judge
practice the same things.” Then
I directed their attention to
the command of Romans 14:13,
“Therefore, let us not judge one
another any more.”
b.
I
cautioned them of the danger of
forming opinions based on first
impressions. Katherine wrongly
assumed that Linda was gossiping
about her to the younger woman
in the prayer group, and then
she looked for evidence to
confirm her mistaken assumption.
I pointed
out that Linda, on the other
hand, had acted
unwisely by seeking someone
else’s advice in the matter
without Katherine’s prior
knowledge and consent. I
urged them both to make a
commitment in the future to
check the accuracy of all
facts and all related
circumstances before
reaching a conclusion in any
matter.
c.
I
admonished them for exposing
each other’s faults to other
people. Each woman had
complained to her husband and
children about the other woman’s
behavior. I exhorted them to
always deal as privately as
possible with any future
situations. I read them Proverbs
17:9, “He who covers a
transgression seeks love, but he
who repeats a matter separates
intimate friends.”
d.
I
challenged each woman to seek
the other’s welfare above her
own. Someone whose primary
motive is self-seeking will
withdraw his fellowship from a
brother or a sister, and avoid
him or her as a means of
punishment. I asked them if they
believed that they had obeyed
God’s commands to “prefer one
another in love” and to
“consider others as more
important than themselves.”
I went on
to read them the command in
Hebrews 12:15,
See to it
that no one comes short of the
grace of God; that no root of
bitterness springing up causes
trouble, and by it many
be
defiled.
They both
agreed that their bitterness had
defiled other people. Then I
read the warning in James 4:6,
God resists
the proud, but He gives grace to
the humble.
Katherine
and Linda acknowledged the fact
that they had been unwilling to
humble themselves before each
other. As we bowed for prayer,
they asked for God’s forgiveness
for their willful pride and for
having judged each other. Then
they sought one another’s
forgiveness. Together we
petitioned God for wisdom in
making the necessary decisions
to lead the women’s prayer group
in a way that honored and
glorified the Lord Jesus Christ,
and in a way that incorporated
both of their leadership
perspectives.
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