Child Discipline Series   By Drs. Don and Debbi Dunlap Dr. Debbi Dunlap, a pioneer in the placement of Pastoral Counselors in the offices of Christian physicians, has conducted over twenty thousand appointments during his ministerial career. His counseling practice includes adults, children and families in crisis. Dr. Dunlap is committed to facilitating a network of telephone counselors. His goal is to provide help for the many people unable to meet face to face with a competent Bible-based counselor. For a complete library of Dr. Dunlap’s articles, indexed by topic, go to Family Counseling Ministries. You may also make an appointment for personal telephone counseling by clicking on Family Counseling Ministries. As a child, Debra Dunlap traveled with the Grand Ol’ Opry for several years. She performed with such stars as Johnny Cash, June Carter, Jim Reeves, Brenda Lee and Marty Robbins.  Debra came to know Christ as a junior in high school. During her college years at Florida State University, she served on staff at First Baptist Church, Tallahassee, Florida, working with youth for four years. She attended Seminary at Southwestern Seminary in Fort Worth, Texas and married Don Dunlap in 1976. For twenty years she has developed educational curriculum for use in teaching their ten children. She has led women’s conferences, retreats and Bible Studies for the past 25 years. Debra has written many articles related to marriage, family and child discipline. Parents, take heart. We do have a parent’s manual for raising our children—the Word of God  Most of us assume that the skill of parenting comes naturally. Yet, we find in God's Word, our blueprint for parenting, that our natural inclinations are often opposed to God's principles of wisdom. In this series on child discipline, Dr. and Mrs. Dunlap encourages readers to become adequately equipped for the task of parenting, to have teachable spirits and to read, study, listen and learn the truths regarding scriptural child rearing.

Supernatural Parenting Parents, take heart. We do have a parent’s manual for raising our children—the Word of God “Go to Your Room!” (and Other Wrong Methods) We must examine and understand the mistakes our parents made in raising us or we may repeat them. Physical Punishment: Is it Abuse? God commands parents to administer physical discipline to children when they willfully disobey. Do Certain Children Not Need Spankings? All children are sinners and need to receive spankings. There are no exceptions to God’s rule. Before You Spank a Child There are certain preliminary steps that parents should take before they spank their children. Teaching Your Children to Fear God Parents—your children are never too young to lea a reverent fear of God. Parents, Don’t Exasperate Your Children A vital part of parenting is making certain that we do not discourage or frustrate our children. Parents: Earn the Right to be Heard Don’t miss the prime opportunities that occur each day to teach your children about Christ! Active-duty Parenting When we discipline our children lovingly, consistently and firmly we demonstrate our love for them. The Boy Who Wanted a Father—Not a Friend A son rebels when his father tries to befriend him instead of lovingly disciplining him. Equipping Our Children for Life We must urge our children to make any sacrifices necessary to live righteous and holy lives. Better Than Behavior Modification! When we discipline our children we must remember that we represent God’s discipline to them. Before You Use the Rod of Reproof If parents consistently and biblically implement the rod of reproof, God will reward their efforts. Bribes, Threats and Other Methods that Don’t Work What parent of a misbehaving child hasn’t resorted at some point to bribes and threats? Steps to Discipline Children The discipline of our children should be loving and restoring, not frightening or condemning. No Cowardly Parenting Allowed! If your child misbehaves in public, he or she must understand that discipline will take place. A Balanced Parenting Style Permissive parenting and authoritarian parenting are both unbiblical child discipline methods. Do You Need to Ask Your Child to Forgive You? Are you opposed to the concept of spanking because you’ve seen spanking used abusively? Parental Guidelines for Spanking Children Following biblical guidelines helps parents discipline their children more effectively. Godly Discipline: Loving, Swift and Sure Have you broken promises to your children and issued empty threats? You can regain their trust!

 

Supernatural Parenting

Parents, take heart. We do have a parent’s manual for raising our children—the Word of God!

Most of us assume that the skill of parenting comes naturally. Yet, we find in God’s Word, our blueprint for parenting, that our natural inclinations are often opposed to God’s principles of wisdom. In the 1^st article of a 20-part series on child discipline, Dr. Dunlap encourages readers to become adequately equipped for the task of parenting—to have teachable spirits and to read, study, listen and learn the truths regarding scriptural child rearing.

Many parents come to me for counseling because they cannot get their children to obey. They have read books on child discipline by the “experts.” They have tried “time-out,” scolding, solitary confinement and grounding—all to no avail.

Each week I see discouraged parents who don’t know what to do to get their children to obey.

Most of them have read Psalm 127:3, which assures them,

Children are a gift of the Lord, and the fruit of the womb is a reward.  

Many of these mothers and fathers admit to having approached their child-rearing years with somewhat of an overconfident attitude. Most of them had few problems conceiving their children, and then they made it successfully through the trials of pregnancy. The birth itself may have been a painful ordeal, but they forgot the pain the moment they first held their precious baby in their arms.

“Doing what comes naturally,” does not apply to parenting. Our thoughts are not God’s thoughts. His ways are higher than our ways.

They assumed that the skill of parenting would come naturally. “After all,” they reasoned, “what could be so hard about raising children?” Yet, we find in God’s Word, that our natural inclinations are often opposed to God’s principles of wisdom. The writer of Proverbs 3:5,6 instructs us,

Do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.

The words of Proverbs 14:12 further reinforce this truth,

There is a way that seems right to a man, but the end is the way of destruction.

Given the many child-rearing philosophies that abound today, there are countless disciplinary measures that are ineffective, even though they seem right.

God commands show us how to train up our children in a supernatural way. 

God call mothers and fathers to raise their children in a supernatural way. Parents should know what God’s Word says about child discipline, and they must ask the Holy Spirit to empower them to carry out this divine assignment in a manner that honors and pleases the Lord. 

The Boy Who Wanted a Father—Not a Friend

A son rebels when his father tries to befriend him instead of lovingly disciplining him.

Are you ever hesitant to discipline your child because you fear he or she won’t like you as much if you do? In Article #10 of a 20-part series on child discipline, we read about a man who failed as a father because he wanted to be his son’s best friend. Dr. Dunlap warns of the dire consequences in our children’s lives when we fail to discipline them biblically and consistently.

Many years ago our family heard an interesting sermon delivered by a pastor friend of ours. He said, very emphatically that he believed God called him to be his son’s best friend. It was a fairly innocent-sounding comment. However, his determination to befriend his son proved to be the child’s undoing. 

His son soon learned that all he had to do to get his way as a young boy was to whine and throw temper tantrums. As he grew older and realized how socially unacceptable that behavior was, he mastered the technique of looking sad and disappointed, and clamming up in silence to punish his dad.

In his early twenties, this promising young man dropped out of college, began abusing drugs and became a great source of pain and heartache to his parents for years to come. Our pastor friend was sincere in his goals for his son. But he was sincerely wrong.

It is wise to be parents to our children while they are young. We can be their friends when they are grown.

Christian parents are sinners. Consequently, we will discipline our children improperly at times. When this happens we must be willing to confess our sinful behavior to our children and ask them to forgive us. Children do not perceive their parents’ sincere repentance as weakness. Nor does it undermine a parent’s authority when the parent admits that he or she made a mistake.

Children have plenty of friends. They need a loving and unmovable authority figure in their lives.

We mustn’t make the mistake, however, of swinging to the other extreme and trying to be our child’s best friend. Children need a parent and an authority figure much more than they need another friend.

It is not the church’s job to teach our children godliness.

We should not expect our churches, our friends, or anyone else to be responsible for nurturing our children’s spiritual growth. God does not charge the church’s children’s ministry or the youth ministry with teaching and training our children to be obedient, fruitful Christians. God charges parents with that responsibility. He calls Christian parents to biblically train and discipline their children with loving diligence and godly perseverance.

“Go to Your Room!” (and Other Wrong Methods)

We must examine and understand the mistakes our parents made in raising us or we may repeat them.

Were you ever “grounded” or “placed on restrictions” as a child or teen-ager when you misbehaved? While these and other popular disciplinary measures seemed logical to our parents, many of the approaches to child rearing were unbiblical. In the 2^nd of 20 articles, Dr. Dunlap explains the importance of closely examining familiar and endorsed disciplinary techniques in light of God’s Word.

Regardless of how many times our parents wronged us when we were growing up, whether intentionally or inadvertently, if we are Believers, we must forgive them and love them with the love of Christ. God would not have us blame our parents, drudge up bitterness against them, or feel sorry for ourselves. We would be foolish, however, if we as parents did not carefully think through and examine the disciplinary approaches that our parents took in raising us. 

Were you “grounded” as a child, or banished to your room?

When you were a teen-ager, did they restrict your privileges or “ground” you when you disobeyed? Did they isolate you in your bedroom and tell you, “Think about what you’ve done?” On the other side of the coin, did they indulge your whims and encourage you to quit an endeavor when the going got tough?

Did they urge you, “Have a sense of pride and don’t take any flack off of anybody?” Did they discuss your shortcomings within your earshot, and criticize you harshly when you made mistakes and throw your past failures up to you? Did they spank you in anger or even swear at you?

These were all surprisingly common disciplinary measures in the last generation, and many of them remain popular today. While it is true that all of us make parenting mistakes, it is important to point out that every one of the child-rearing techniques named above are blatant violations of God’s Word.

Christians must not parent their children by simply rejecting or duplicating the way in which they themselves were raised. 

Every mother and father is nonetheless, accountable to God to examine his or her own child-rearing methods in light of Scripture. Christians should not allow themselves to be conformed to the parenting philosophies of this world, but instead, they must ask God to renew their minds with the biblical principles of child discipline.

God has given us a blueprint for how to raise children in a godly manner.

We read this exhortation in Hebrews 12:11,

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

In order to be adequately equipped for the parenting task, a person must have a teachable spirit, and be willing to read, study, listen and learn the truths regarding scriptural child rearing. According to Ephesians 1:4, parents should raise children in the “nurture and admonition of the Lord.” God has given us the Bible as a handbook for raising our children in a way that brings Him honor and glory.

 

Physical Punishment: Is it Abuse?

God commands parents to administer physical discipline to children when they willfully disobey.

Are you horrified at the thought of spanking your child? The rod of correction is the standard form of discipline in God’s child-rearing system, especially for younger children. In the 3^rd segment of a 20-article series, Dr. Dunlap reminds us of Proverbs 22:15, “Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.” Christian parents cannot ignore the many biblical references to the physical discipline of children.

Many Christian parents recoil in horror at the thought of spanking their children. They have bought into the world’s thinking that any form of physical discipline constitutes child abuse. The secular philosophy that a parent who resorts to corporal punishment as a child disciplinary measure is angry and “out of control,” has influenced their mindset.

They have “thrown the baby out with the bath water.” 

Despite the fact that many parents have closed their hearts to the possibility that spanking a child is an effective disciplinary tool, God’s Word is replete with scriptures that inform us otherwise. The rod of correction is the standard form of discipline in God’s child-rearing system, especially for younger children.

An especially pertinent verse is Proverbs 22:15,

Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.

Christian parents cannot escape the numerous biblical references to the physical discipline of children.

Every child is born with rebellion and foolishness in his or her heart.

One of the keys to effective parenting is to learn how and when to administer the rod of reproof. It is vitally important to understand that a Christian who believes the Bible to be the inerrant Word of God has no choice as to whether or not he or she should implement spanking as a form of child-discipline. It is simply an issue of obedience to the Lord. The writer of Proverbs 13:24 addresses this matter forthrightly,

He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.

Children do not learn how to sin by imitating other people. They are born with a sin nature.

God explains in Psalm 51:5, that men and women have a corrupt nature,

Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me.  

As they grow, the surrounding environment in which they live supposedly “influences them negatively.” Anyone who has had a part in raising a child, however, knows first-hand that no one has to teach him or her to tell a lie, or to behave selfishly. It is painfully evident that children are born with hearts prone to “folly” and rebellion.

 

Do Certain Children Not Need Spankings?

All children are sinners and need to receive spankings. There are no exceptions to God’s rule.

Some children, who are generally disagreeable, typically try every ounce of parental patience. Other children seem to be born with a large dose of common grace. Pleasant and compliant, they appear, by comparison, not to be in need of discipline. In the 4^th of a 20 article series, Dr. Dunlap explains that while frequencies of spankings will vary, all children are fallen from God’s grace and in need of consistent physical discipline, regardless of their particular temperament.

If our desire as Christian parents it to raise up children who, as the Bible describes it, will be the foundations for many godly generations, we must grasp the full significance of the first part of Proverbs 22:15,

Foolishness (rebellion) is bound up in the heart of a child.

Rebellion resides in the heart of every child without exception.

Have you ever heard someone comment, “One of my children never needed a spanking because he (or she) was always so well-behaved?” 

Consider the words of Psalm 51:5, “Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin my mother conceived me.” Kevin’s rebellion was perhaps more passive than his brothers’ and sisters’, but he was no less foolish or rebellious. God tells us it is so in His Word, and we must believe it if we hope to raise God-honoring children.

God commands parents to administer physical discipline to their children.

In Proverbs 23:13,14, God provides further instruction for parents who desire to discipline His way,

Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. You shall spank him with the rod, and deliver his soul from death.

My wife and I have found these two verses to be particularly encouraging when we spank the more “dramatic” of our ten children. They want us to think they are dying.  

Children are marvelous treasures and gifts from God. He has the blueprint for how we are to train them.

We read in 1 Corinthians 4:2,

Now it is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful.

Children are a sacred trust from God. They are a gift from His hand and a reward to husbands and wives. God planned each one of them before He laid the foundations of the earth. He created them. They are His workmanship. He saw all of them when they were yet hidden in their mother’s womb. He even numbered the hairs on their heads—and He gave parents specific directions for how to raise them for His glory and pleasure.

 

Before You Spank a Child

There are certain preliminary steps that parents should take before they spank their children.

Many parents who have never witnessed a biblically administered spanking react negatively to the prospect of spanking children. They conclude that physical punishment is an outdated, inferior, and even abusive form of discipline. In the 5^th installment of a 20-part series on child discipline, Dr. Debbi Dunlap examines the preliminary steps that God requires us to follow before we spank a disobedient child.

Have you ever found yourself involved in a discussion where you happened to mention the word “spanking,” and suddenly you got the E.F. Hutton response—everyone stopped their conversations and stared at you as if you had two heads?  

One of the reasons that many people react so negatively to the proposition of spanking a child is because they have seldom (if ever) seen it done properly. They have generally witnessed spankings that were administered as a last resort, when the parent was frustrated, tired, embarrassed, angry or even in a fit of rage.

Perhaps they were victims of physical abuse themselves when they were children. They recoil at the thought of putting their own children through what they perceive to be similar cruelty.

Most people today believe that spanking a disobedient child is tantamount to abuse.

They conclude, therefore, that spanking children is an outdated, inferior form of discipline. They view it as a method that controlling, unenlightened, and uncreative people employ because they cannot think of more innovative ways to handle disciplinary problems. They claim, furthermore, that spanking will teach a child that physical aggression is the correct way to handle conflict. They disparage people who insist upon “resorting” to corporal punishment. They claim instead, that if we truly love our children we will not inflict physical pain upon them.

God says we hate our children when we refuse to discipline them biblically. 

Although we, of course, do not harbor feelings of hatred toward our children, our unwillingness to biblically discipline them is scripturally equivalent to hating them, in God’s sight.

There are certain preliminary steps that parents should take before they spank their children.

Many parents are interested in knowing how to discipline children in a biblical manner. First, they must effectively communicate to their children the fact that they are not the final authorities in their children’s lives. God is.

Many people today believe the popular notion that getting out from under the restraints of authority results in personal freedom.

Rebelling against authority does not result in freedom for any child of God.

Mothers and fathers should help sons and daughters understand that this deceptive philosophy actually leads to destruction. Parents must teach their children the foundational scriptural truth that God instructs all men, women and children to be under authority at all times. We achieve true freedom when we willingly submit ourselves to God-ordained authority.

 

Teaching Your Children to Fear God

Parents—your children are never too young to learn a reverent fear of God.

An important part of child discipline is teaching children at a very young age to fear God. Although young children seek the approval and warm affirmation of their parents, even a two-year old is old enough to begin grasping the concept that his or her highest aim in life must be to please our heavenly Father and win God’s commendation. In the 6^th of a 20-article series, Dr. Debbi Dunlap explains how parents can achieve this goal.

Little children are far more concerned with pleasing their parents than they are with pleasing God. They can see and touch their mothers and fathers, but God is an abstract Being. As children grow older, however, at two or three years of age, they should begin to grasp the concept that their highest goal must be to please God above everyone else. 

We should make it clear to children that they ultimately answer to God—not us—as their final authority.

Parents must explain to their children that they, as adult children of God, are also under authority, and that God disciplines them each time they behave disobediently. That is how God demonstrates His love for us as our heavenly Father. A person is truly free when he or she submits to God-given authority.

Children should learn at an early age that their chief purpose in life is to love and obey God. Therefore, although their wrong behavior displeases their parents, the more important principle is that it displeases God, who is perfectly holy. This truth helps young children develop a healthy, biblical fear of God, and an awareness of His presence.

Begin helping children memorize God’s Word as soon as they can utter a few syllables.

It is helpful to memorize scripture verses on obedience together as a family. Many parents find that their children memorize the verses more readily when they learn hand motions that go along with the verses as memory-prompters. An excellent verse to begin with is Ephesians 6:1,

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.

The writer of Colossians 3:20 reiterates this truth,

Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.

When each of the children in our family reaches about two years of age, he or she is able to quote, “Thou God seest me.” 

Children should understand that God has charged their parents with the primary teaching roles in their lives.

Children should understand that their parents are the God-given authorities in their homes. There should be no question or confusion as to that fact. It is vitally important for parents to clearly establish their primary teaching role in their children’s lives—to impart to them instruction, reproof, correction and training in righteousness.

 

Parents, Don't Exasperate Your Children

 

A vital part of parenting is making certain that we do not discourage or frustrate our children.

Well-trained children seek to do the right thing in an effort to obey and please the Lord, even when they are away from their parents. In the 7^th article of a 20-part series, Dr. Dunlap urges parents to see to it that they do not exasperate and confuse their children, according to Ephesians 6:4. He warns parents to be careful not to attempt to teach their children biblical principles that they are unwilling to live by themselves.

Many Christian parents are gravely misinformed on the topic of biblical parenting. They have embraced worldly child discipline philosophies that outwardly appear to be more humane and enlightened than God’s plan. In truth, however, these philosophies are dangerous and deceptive.  

There are many dangerously deceptive child-rearing philosophies that masquerade as enlightened and humane.

According to this mindset, parents should abdicate their God-given responsibility for the moral and spiritual training of their children to other people, for example public educators, Sunday School teachers and Scout leaders. Our family witnessed an illustration of this ineffective child-rearing approach several years ago when a Christian family was visiting us for the weekend. 

To my wife’s amazement, the woman answered, “That is not my responsibility. The children must learn to make their own decisions, and it is their choice to stop eating the cookies, or get ill.” All four children, of course, refused to eat the dinner my wife prepared a couple of hours later.

The children ate so many cookies that my wife feared they would be ill.

As my wife further questioned the woman and challenged her thinking with biblical truth, the woman stubbornly held out. “We don’t even instruct our children to act courteously and ‘mind their manners,’ because we don’t want to prompt them to behave superficially,” she contended. “The adults they relate to shouldn’t think that our children have been programmed like little robots. Then they would think that our children are insincere.”

Well-trained children do not misbehave the minute they are out of their parents’ sight.

The truth, however, is that God has a specific plan for how parents should train their children. It is interesting to consider the command found in Proverbs 22:6,

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when his is old he will not depart from it.

Parents cannot claim the promise of this verse without fulfilling the command. Children who are well trained seek to do the right thing, even when they are away from the immediate influence of their parents. They are aware that they should strive to obey and please the Lord, and they are learning to reverently fear God more than they fear being punished for wrong behavior.

A vital part of training up children is making certain that we, as parents, do not needlessly frustrate and confuse them. The writer of Ephesians 6:4 warns,

Fathers do not provoke your children to anger; but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

God commands parents to consistently teach their children the principles of His Word. Further, they must see to it that their children do not grow angry and bitter as a result of neglect or abuse.

 

Parents: Earn the Right to be Heard

Don’t miss the prime opportunities that occur each day to teach your children about Christ!

Parents, are you aware of teachable moments that happen throughout the course of each day? In the 8^th article of a 20-part series on child discipline, Dr. Dunlap reminds us that before we can teach our children about the Lord, we must live our lives in a way that “we earn the right to be heard.” He practically demonstrates the great truth that Christianity is “more caught than taught.”

As we seek to discipline our children biblically, we find that opportunities occur throughout the day to speak to our children about the Lord. We should seize these opportunities enthusiastically. Deuteronomy 6:4-9 is a key passage of scripture for godly parenting.

We should try to weave the Lord Jesus into as many parts of our children’s days as we possibly can.

Men and women who desire to honor God as they discipline their children should study these verses carefully,

And these words that I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart, and you shall teach them diligently to your sons, [and daughters] and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up. 

God is pleased when children obey their parents.

The second deception that people often believe about parenting is that parents should never challenge the will of a child. The biblical truth, conversely, is that a child’s will, must be subjected to his or her parents’ will. The fifth commandment promises a reward for children who obey their parents: “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged.” We read in Proverbs 6:23,

For these commands are a lamp, this teaching is a light, and the corrections of discipline are the way to life.

Parents should understand that they must earn the right to be “heard” by their children. Parents accomplish this by living consistent Christian lives before them. They must not attempt to teach their children biblical principles unless they have made a commitment to live by them as well.

Telling our children, “Do as I say and not as I do,” is an unbiblical parenting technique. 

According to 2 Corinthians 3:2, we are living epistles. Our children are “reading” our lives. It is foolish to think that our children will respect our Christian testimonies if we are merely “talking the talk.” We should always be mindful of the truth that “Christianity is more caught than taught.” We must strive to walk in a manner worthy of our high calling in Christ Jesus.

 

Active-duty Parenting

When we discipline our children lovingly, consistently and firmly we demonstrate our love for them.

Do you ever feel too tired to discipline your children? In the 9^th article of a 20-part series, Dr. Dunlap advises parents to renew their commitment to administer biblical discipline to their children as often as they need to. He cautions that although we may be weary, busy or frustrated, we must never excuse ourselves from our God-given commission to promptly discipline our children whenever it is necessary to do so.

Parents should strive to discipline their children consistently and decisively. The writer of Proverbs 20:6 asks a probing question,

Many a man claims to have unfailing love, but a faithful man, who can find?

When we discipline our children consistently, firmly and patiently we demonstrate our love for them.

Someone has suggested that disciplining a child inconsistently is often more damaging than not disciplining him or her at all. When we allow a child to get away with a disobedient act, the child will usually try to defy disciplinary boundaries the next time a parent challenges his or her will. Consequently, parents make it harder on themselves when they discipline inconsistently.

We must renew our commitment to God to administer discipline to our children as often as it is necessary to do so. We should take seriously the need to be consistent with them, and ask God for the strength to persevere. When we are tempted to give up, we ought to remember that our children’s spiritual, physical and emotional well-being is at stake.

Parents are never “off-duty” when their children are misbehaving.

Although we may be busy, frustrated or weary, we must never excuse ourselves from our God-given commission to promptly discipline our children whenever it is necessary. The way in which we administer discipline should reflect the discipline of our heavenly Father.  

When we discipline our children, we should first be careful to check our own attitudes. Are we disciplining our children because we are irritated or angry with them? Have they embarrassed us or wounded our pride? If we express these emotions to our children, they will become fearful and resentful of our discipline.

The rod of reproof should not terrorize our children. Instead, they should view it as God’s loving instrument in their parents’ hands.

We should first take a few minutes to calm down and prayerfully get our emotions under control before we deal with the situation at hand. God’s discipline is always motivated by love. He does not terrorize us or condemn us. Instead, He lovingly restores us. We should seek to represent God’s loving discipline to our errant children.

 

The Boy Who Wanted a Father—Not a Friend   A son rebels when his father tries to befriend him instead of lovingly disciplining him. Many years ago our family heard an interesting sermon delivered by a pastor friend of ours. He said, very emphatically that he believed God called him to be his son’s best friend. It was a fairly innocent-sounding comment. However, his determination to befriend his son proved to be the child’s undoing.  We had the opportunity to observe this family for the next fifteen years. The father failed repeatedly to administer firm discipline for fear his son would no longer like him. He established boundaries in the child’s life yet he failed to enforce them. His son soon learned that all he had to do to get his way as a young boy was to whine and throw temper tantrums. As he grew older and realized how socially unacceptable that behavior was, he mastered the technique of looking sad and disappointed, and clamming up in silence to punish his dad. In his early twenties, this promising young man dropped out of college, began abusing drugs and became a great source of pain and heartache to his parents for years to come. Our pastor friend was sincere in his goals for his son. But he was sincerely wrong. It is wise to be parents to our children while they are young. We can be their friends when they are grown. Christian parents are sinners. Consequently, we will discipline our children improperly at times. When this happens we must be willing to confess our sinful behavior to our children and ask them to forgive us. Children do not perceive their parents’ sincere repentance as weakness. Nor does it undermine a parent’s authority when the parent admits that he or she made a mistake. Children have plenty of friends. They need a loving and unmovable authority figure in their lives.  Even children know that no one is perfect. When we try to portray ourselves as flawless, we appear hypocritical to them. We should model the character quality of humility before our children.  We mustn’t make the mistake, however, of swinging to the other extreme and trying to be our child’s best friend. Children need a parent and an authority figure much more than they need another friend. It is not the church’s job to teach our children godliness. We should not expect our churches, our friends, or anyone else to be responsible for nurturing our children’s spiritual growth. God does not charge the church’s children’s ministry or the youth ministry with teaching and training our children to be obedient, fruitful Christians. God charges parents with that responsibility. He calls Christian parents to biblically train and discipline their children with loving diligence and godly perseverance.

 

Godly Discipline: Loving, Swift and Sure

Have you broken promises to your children and issued empty threats? You can regain their trust!

Many parents give their children several opportunities to obey a command. Consequently, their children quickly learn that delayed obedience is an acceptable option in their family. God expects His children to obey the promptings of the Holy Spirit immediately. In the final article of a 20-part series on child discipline, Dr. Dunlap explains that we must teach our children the concept that “to delay is to disobey.”

Many Christian parents have trained their children not to believe them. Several times in department stores, for example, I have heard frustrated mothers threaten, “Jamie, if you don’t come on this minute, I’m going to leave you here.” Or perhaps you have heard a father tell a child, “Get over here right now, or that big dog is going to eat you up.”

Parents should not hold threats over their children’s heads to terrorize them into obedience. Parents should train children to obey on first command because it is the right thing to do, and because their disobedience will result in a swift and sure consequence.

Do not make threats that you can’t or won’t carry out. 

A parent may say to a child, for example, “If you don’t sit quietly while I’m driving, I’m going to stop and throw you out of this car.” Of course a responsible, loving parent would not actually leave a child by the side of the road. The child soon realizes that his or her parents sometimes make empty threats, and the child’s trust in them is gradually diminished.  

 

Do not bribe your child with rewards for good behavior. 

Have you ever promised your child, “If you’ll be good while were shopping I’ll buy you an ice-cream cone?” Using bribes accomplishes temporary results, but it does not train a child to obey in order to please God.  

Be certain that the child makes any necessary restitution. 

Explain to children that they are responsible to ask forgiveness of anyone that they offended by acting disobediently. If a child lied to someone, he or she must go that person immediately and set the record straight. If the child stole something, the child must return it and ask forgiveness of the person that he or she stole it from. If the child damaged the item that was stolen, he or she must work to earn the money to repair or replace it.

Above all, when disciplining their children, parents should consider the exhortation of 1 Corinthians 16:13,14. “Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men [and women] of courage; be strong. Let all that you do be done in love.”

 

Equipping Our Children for Life

We must urge our children to make any sacrifices necessary to live righteous and holy lives.

People who want to develop biblical parenting skills must apply the four purposes for Scripture that are listed in 1 Timothy 3:16,17: teaching, reproof, correction and training in righteousness. In the 11^th segment of a 20-article series on child training, Dr. Debbi Dunlap examines 1 Timothy 3:16,17 as it relates to godly parenting. He urges parents to seek to “equip their children thoroughly for every good work.”

The writer of 1 Timothy 3:16,17 declares,

All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful for teaching, reproof, correction, and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work. 

1. Teaching The New Testament offers us a glimpse into the life of the greatest teacher who has ever lived. Jesus used many different teaching methods to communicate truth to His listeners. He used the question and answer method, He taught with parables, and He taught by example, to name a few. He made God’s Word come alive in the eyes and ears of His followers, and He demonstrated the importance of teaching truth from an abundant heart. His goal was not merely to teach facts, but to change lives.

As parents, we should imitate Jesus’ teaching methodology as we teach our children how God expects them to live. Do we take time to creatively present the truths of God to our children or do we deliver endless lectures? Are we often guilty of “overkill” or are we sensitive to our children’s varying attention spans?

2. Reproof God reproves us when we neglect or violate His     commandments or the principles of His Word. He brings conviction upon our hearts and minds, as His Holy Spirit clarifies the nature of our offense to God or to others.

Someone has defined reproof as “showing a person his or her sin and summoning that person to repentance.” Likewise, we must reprove our children when they transgress. We should be careful not to shame or condemn them, but rather gently and firmly point out the error of their ways. We find this exhortation in Proverbs 15:31,

He who listens to a life-giving reproof will be at home among the wise.

We must challenge our children with the important biblical principle that fools do not have a teachable spirit and they refuse to receive a rebuke. Godly wisdom should be one of our primary training goals for our children.

We will review the two remaining purposes of Scripture, as listed in 1 Timothy 3:16, 17 in the next article.

 

Better Than Behavior Modification!

When we discipline our children we must remember that we represent God’s discipline to them.

It’s easy to get caught up in the pursuit of having our children behave well. However, as Dr. Dunlap points out in the 12^th of a 20-article series, biblical discipline encompasses far more than children’s external compliance to our rules and wishes. In fact, if we, as parents, fail to address the heart issues involved in rebellion and disobedience, we run the risk of communicating a pharisaic spirituality to our children.

We read in 1 Timothy 3:16, 17 that God uses Scripture to teach us, reprove us, correct us and train us in righteousness. These four purposes for the inspired Word of God have direct application to the parenting process.  

We reviewed purposes #1 and #2 in the previous article. In this article we continue to examine the final two purposes listed in 1 Timothy 3:16, 17.

3. Correction This process involves applying scriptural principles to specific life situations when a child disobeys, or when he or she violates or neglects God’s Laws or commands. We read a warning in Proverbs 10:17, “He who heeds discipline shows the way to life, but whoever ignores correction leads others astray.” We should find examples in the Bible that are related to the specific offense the child has committed. Then we should give the child some specific, practical steps that he or she must take in order to remedy his or her situation.

4. Training in Righteousness When we train our children in righteousness, we teach them to develop biblical disciplines so that they will grow consistently in the Christian life. We teach them the elements of scriptural prayer and we pray with them and for them daily. We ask them to pray aloud as soon as they are old enough to talk.

We teach them the principles of obedience, and we help them memorize scriptures that remind them that above all, they are to obey God, their Creator and Father. As they grow, we assist them in developing ministries of service to other people. We go with them and help them carry out these ministries.  

Then, when they reach adolescence, we begin to prepare them for the joys and demands of their future marriages and families. In Ephesians 4:22-24, the Apostle Paul offers parents great encouragement and guidance, as they seek to train their children:

You were taught…to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

We must urge our children to make any necessary sacrifices in order to live righteous and holy lives.

 

 

Before You Use the Rod of Reproof

If parents consistently and biblically implement the rod of reproof, God will reward their efforts.

The rod of reproof, as described in Proverbs 22, is effective in disciplining children only when applied in a biblical manner. God’s promise to parents who choose to implement the rod is the peaceable fruit of righteousness. Parents should not use it thoughtlessly or carelessly. In the 13^th article of a 20-part series, Dr. Dunlap explains that parents should take several important steps when children disobey before spanking them.

The writer of Proverbs 22:6 explains, “Rebellion is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of reproof will drive it far from him.” Christian parents often employ interesting interpretations of this verse. 

Nowhere in the Bible do we find the concept of “time out” as a disciplinary measure.

God’s promise to parents who choose t