From Butterfly Kisses to Budding Romances

We can avert premarital mistakes and divorce by learning God’s view of popular dating myths.

Do you know 11- and 12-year-old children who are dating? Early dating causes negative consequences in our children—physically, spiritually and emotionally. In the 1^st article of a six-part series on dating, Dr. Debbi Dunlap examines five popular dating myths in light of God’s Word: the Independence myth, the Sexual Freedom myth, the Love Means Never Having to Say You’re Sorry myth, the Marriage myth, and the I’ll Change Him myth.

In our society, we often hear of eleven and twelve year-olds going on dates. Many parents encourage early dating and push their young children to grow up fast. In addition to the fact that dating damages children emotionally, the statistics of sexually transmitted diseases and out-of-wedlock pregnancies among our youth are both staggering and heartbreaking.

Many people create future problems for themselves by mishandling their dating experiences.

When we acknowledge Jesus as our Lord we submit to Him as His servants. Our highest goal in life is to carry out His wishes, which He identifies in His Word.

The majority of teenagers and young adults do not understand the biblical principles regarding dating. Either they have never been taught the pertinent scriptural truths or Satan has succeeded in deceiving them.

We must not allow ourselves to fall prey to the many dating myths that are prevalent today.

Many dating myths abound within the Christian community. The first one is the “Independence” myth. People with this mindset are determined to do whatever they please. They are determined that no one is going to tell them what to do or get in their way. The Bible instructs unmarried people, however, to submit themselves to God, to their parents and to other authority figures that God has placed over them for their protection and guidance.

God calls this defrauding—stirring up in someone, desires which we cannot righteously fulfill. The writer of Mark 10:19 warns against this practice, “You know the commandments…Do not defraud.”

The “Love Means Never Having to Say You’re Sorry” myth is a widespread deception among young people today. They believe that no matter how rudely or offensively they may behave, the object of their affection should not take it personally and should simply “get over it.” They consider an independent spirit to be a virtue, and a humble attitude to be weakness. People who love others with Christ-like love are willing to humble themselves before someone they have offended, admit their wrongdoing, and ask for forgiveness.

Just because someone is “in love” and old enough to marry, doesn’t mean that he or she is necessarily ready for marriage.

An alarming number of casualties result from the “Marriage” myth. Young people reason that because they are “of age” and “in love,” they should get married. God’s Word teaches us that love is only one of the many ingredients necessary for a successful marriage. God gives our authorities the wisdom and the responsibility to help us discern the right life partner.

Perhaps the most destructive of all the dating myths is the “I’ll Change Him” myth.

Young men and women who ascribe to this theory believe that after the marriage ceremony, their marriage partner will begin to change for the better. This is a false assumption. Most people usually put their best foot forward before marriage. After two people exchange their vows and begin to live intimately with one another, they tend to discover even more character flaws in this person to whom they have committed their life. We can avert many premarital mistakes and divorces by learning God’s perspective on these popular dating myths. 

Boy Meets Girl with Destiny in Mind

The main purpose of dating should be to encourage the other person to be more like Jesus Christ.

Many varied opinions exist among Christians regarding dating and courtship. Thus, it is helpful to consider a general definition of Christian dating. In the 2^nd of six articles on dating, Dr. Debbi Dunlap examines the concept of dating in light of Scripture. Based upon the scriptural commands to pursue righteousness and flee temptation, a date between a young man and a young woman should be a wholesome social activity in a public setting.

Christian young people often begin dating relationships falsely assuming that “missionary” dating is a biblical option. They believe that when they meet someone who is unsaved, but seemingly outstanding in every other way, they can win the person to Christ by dating him or her. God’s Word pointedly warns us that bad company corrupts good morals. Although Believers should befriend lost people to seek to win them to Christ, they must not have close, mutually dependent relationships with non-Christians.

What is Christian dating and what is the purpose for it?

In light of the many, varied opinions that exist among Christians regarding dating and courtship, it is helpful to consider a general definition of Christian dating. Based upon the scriptural commands to pursue righteousness and to flee temptation, a date between a young man and a young woman should be a wholesome social activity in a public setting. 

This includes learning how to properly respond to offenses, learning the biblical principles of forgiveness, developing self-control, honoring our parents and practicing the commands to consider others as more important than ourselves.

The main purpose of dating should be to encourage the other person to be more like Jesus.

In the process of Christian dating, young men and women should encourage each other’s growth in Jesus Christ. They can accomplish this primarily by seeking to obey the Lord, by living according to their biblical convictions and by maintaining a servant’s heart toward others. Dating is a time to become acquainted with the other person’s goals and personal habits, his or her likes and dislikes, and the seriousness of his or her commitment to Christ. These are all essential requirements for choosing the right life partner.

There are many wrong reasons for dating. We should never date someone in order to upgrade our image. If we think we will gain a degree of prestige by dating a particular individual, we have wrong motives. If we date someone in order to make someone else jealous and cause him or her to notice us, we become guilty of using people. We should never date someone on the rebound for the purpose of revenge. 

If we’ve been guilty of dating for the wrong reasons, we should repent and ask God for the strength to honor Him in our dating lives.

Because none of these reasons to date are biblical, they all come to spiritual “dead-ends,” inevitably leaving people hurt and bitter. These young men and women then carry their unresolved anger and bitterness to the next dating relationship. They become caught up in a tragic cycle of repeating their mistakes and wrong choices in a succession of relationships. In His Word, God has established higher standards and provided clear instructions for how to be ambassadors for Jesus Christ in our dating lives.

Boy Meets Girl, Then What?

Discover certain qualities to look for in the life of a potential dating partner.

In the 3^rd installment of a six-article series on dating, Dr. Debbi Dunlap discusses certain qualities to look for in the life of a potential dating partner. He emphasizes the importance of a person having a vital salvation experience. Then he explains that a potential date should be in the process of achieving a proper self-identity, and should be seeking to determine God’s purpose for his or her life.

Teen-agers and single adults often ask me to describe for them some qualities to look for in the life of a potential dating partner. I always tell them that the most important qualification is that a person has a vital salvation experience.

The second most important factor is that he or she should be a person under authority. I advise them to be alert to such obvious signs as his or her unwillingness to obey parents, teachers or employers. Someone who has a problem with anger or rebellion is a poor choice for a close friend or a date.

A potential date should have certain qualities that are evident in his or her life.

I suggest that before they consider dating someone, they should be certain that he or she is in the process of achieving proper self-identity in Jesus Christ. Insecure people are often tempted to compare themselves to others. They may also become guilty of seeking their happiness in dating relationships, rather than in a relationship with the Lord. This is both sinful and emotionally suffocating. No human being can make someone else truly happy. 

Many young people wonder how they should act on a date?

I frequently receive inquiries about how one should behave on a date. Acting courteously is the first guiding principle. Someone has wisely said, “Good manners are made up of little sacrifices.” Courtesy is a form of thoughtfulness and considerate people are always well liked. When we consider others as more important than ourselves, we will not permit ourselves to act rudely or selfishly.

A person’s “looks” are not the most important thing in a dating relationship.

Second, we have a responsibility to be good stewards of our body—our outward appearance. We all differ in our external physical features, but the most important part of our appearance is our countenance.  

It is very important to learn how to carry on an interesting conversation.

Third, people value individuals who are good conversationalists. This is a skill that comes naturally to some people, but which can certainly be acquired. The ability to talk comfortably about various topics is important because it is how we communicate our feelings and ideas. In order to initiate and maintain interesting conversation, three ingredients are necessary:

First, we should seek to encourage other people to talk about themselves by asking specific questions. We may need to prepare and rehearse some general types of questions in advance, until we become more practiced at the art of conversation.

Second, we must forget about ourselves and focus on the other person. We concentrate on making him or her feel comfortable.

Third, we should really listen. We must not think about what we plan to say next. Instead, we should seek to be attentive to what the other person is saying and trust God to help us when it is time for us to respond.

Above all, we ought to remember that our greatest assets in any given situation are a clear conscience before God and man, and a growing relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ.

God’s Boundaries for When Boy Meets Girl

Single people should regard every member of the opposite sex as someone’s future spouse.

God designed the act of sex for His children to enjoy—only within the context of the marriage relationship. In the 4^th segment of a six-part series on dating, Dr. Debbi Dunlap addresses the question, “How far should I go on a date?” He points out the biblical truth that the question, instead, should be, “What does God have to say about sex?” He then offers young people several guidelines to help them flee the temptation to engage in sexual activity during dating years.

Throughout the twenty-five years that I have worked as a pastoral counselor, countless Christian young people have asked me the question, “How far is too far to go on a date?” I always tell them that they are asking the wrong question. The key question for a Christian should be, “What does God have to say in the Bible about sex?”

God is the One who created the wonderful gift of sexual intimacy between a husband and a wife. 

1 Thessalonians 4:3-6 is a powerful warning to Christians:

For this is the will of God…that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion…and that no man transgress and defraud his brother in the matter because the Lord is the avenger in all these things.

God reminds us in His Word that our bodies are God’s temples and the Holy Spirit lives within us. He commands us to flee from sexual immorality, and to avoid any appearance of evil. A Christian should keep his or her body as a sacred trust before God.

Unmarried people should respectfully regard every member of the opposite sex as someone’s future spouse.

Young people should remember that somewhere in the world is the young woman or young man who may one day become their mate. Jesus instructs us in Matthew 7:12, “Do to others what you would have them do to you.” 

We should all flee temptation immediately and never toy with sin. We must remember that the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.

It is vitally important to be sensitive to the initial promptings of the Holy Spirit anytime we are tempted to be immoral. God never misleads us. When we are tempted, we must resist the tendency to rationalize—to convince ourselves, for example, “This time it’s OK because we care about each other.” It is helpful to quote scripture, such as,

The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord.

We should heed the command of 2 Timothy 2:22,

Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.

It is wise to take healthy precautions and avoid situations that would be sexually arousing, such as spending time together alone. It is never appropriate, for example, to spend time alone together in a parked car, or in an apartment. When we make choices such as these, we make provision for the flesh, and we set ourselves up for moral failure. There is built-in godly protection in group activities.

We must acknowledge the constant presence of Jesus Christ in our relationships. Dates should include Bible study, witnessing opportunities and fellowship with other Believers. Young men and women must plan their dates carefully, prayerfully, and creatively during the years of dating and courtship.

God Forgives Sexual Sin

No sexual sin that anyone has ever committed is beyond the scope of God’s forgiveness.

In the 5^th article of a six-part series on dating, Dr. Debbi Dunlap offers hope to unmarried people who have already been involved in premarital sex. He explains that when Believers genuinely repent of their sexual involvement, and commit to turn away from it, God will forgive them and Christ’s shed blood will cleanse and renew them. In his closing comments, Dr. Dunlap addresses the secret sin of masturbation.

The writer of 1 Corinthians 7:1 declares, “It is not good for a man to touch a woman.” Christian young men and women need to understand that God created men and women differently. Men are generally aroused sexually by what they see, while women are aroused primarily by touch. The meaning of this scripture is very clear: 

There is no sexual sin that is beyond the scope of God’s forgiveness.

Many young men and women ask me, “What should I do if I am already guilty of sexual immorality?” They are often tormented by their guilt even though they have confessed their sin to God and asked for His forgiveness. I take great joy in assuring them that God forgives all sexual sins. I tell them that if they have genuinely repented and have made a commitment to God to turn away from their sin and walk in the opposite direction, they should trust in the cleansing power of Christ’s shed blood.

I remind them of Isaiah 1:18,

Though your [sexual] sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow.

I also refer them to Micah 7:19, and Jeremiah 31:34,

As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our [sexual] transgressions from us…and will cast all our sins into the depths of the sea. I [God] will forgive their iniquity, and I will remember their sin no more.

If we confess our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 

There are many reasons why it makes sense to flee from the sin of sexual impurity. It robs us of our purity and wholesomeness. It mars our testimonies for Christ and brings deep shame upon our lives. It opens the doors of our lives to the danger of sexually transmitted diseases.

Sin always has its pleasure for a season, but the consequences are devastating.

When young people participate in sexual immorality, they run the risk of pregnancy—of conceiving a new life that will live somewhere forever. Then they may be tempted to compound their sin with the sin of abortion. Or they may decide to enter into an undesirable marriage because of an out-of-wedlock pregnancy.

Sexual impurity often causes feelings of serious guilt that may persist for many years to come. Once young people are married, the unresolved guilt feelings that exist in their hearts and minds can prevent them from having normal, satisfying marital sexual relations. I counsel people weekly who have experienced this very reaping and sowing principle.

Masturbation has been called the secret sexual sin. Any form of masturbation for men or women, with its accompanying impure, lustful thoughts violates the spirit and intent of Scripture regarding one’s thought life. In Matthew 5:28 Jesus states,

If any man looks on a woman to lust after her, he has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Sexually pleasuring oneself is a self-centered practice. God designed sexual fulfillment to be the result of a husband and wife giving themselves completely to one another.

What To Do When Boy Meets Girl

Have you run out of fresh ideas for planning fun, wholesome, God-honoring dates? Take heart!

Many young people and their parents today complain that teen-agers have nowhere to go on dates, and nothing fun and wholesome to do. If you are caught up in the “boredom” trap, read on! In the 6th and final article in a six-part series on dating, Dr. Debbi Dunlap offers a list of fun, exciting and interesting things to do on a date. You are limited only by your willingness to be creative.

1. If you’ve run out of fun and exciting ideas for enjoyable, wholesome, God-honoring dates, read on for some great suggestions.

2. Enjoy a covered dish meal together. Include two, three or more couples and invite each couple to bring a special dish for the meal.

3. Play table games: Risk, Jeopardy, Monopoly, Scrabble.

4. Play action games: Pictionary, Charades, Scattergories.

5. Challenge each other to card games: Uno, Rook, Rummy, Spades, Hearts.

6. Work on crafts together: make candles, Do dough art, or make Christmas gifts for family members and friends.

7. Play Putt-Putt Golf or visit a golf driving range.

8. Attend plays at local community colleges or universities.

9. Visit local museums.

10. Go bowling, or play a game of tennis or racquetball together.

11. Go fishing or shrimping.

12. Try your hand at skeet shooting.

13. Exercise together, either on a trail in a park, or at a local gym.

14. Take a bike ride together and stop to have a picnic.

15. Work a jigsaw puzzle together.

16. Take a trip to an ice-cream shop or a TCBY for frozen yogurt.

17. Do service projects for family members, friends or widows, such as washing windows or cars, mowing lawns, landscaping, painting, cleaning houses or cleaning out sheds.

18. Make homemade pizza and invite some friends over to join you.

19. Go to the beach, go snorkeling or scuba diving.

20. Bake cookies together for someone who is discouraged or ill, or for a special event.

21. Go to a children’s park and enjoy sliding, seesawing and swinging.

22. Talk a walk together.

23. Plant flowers or vegetables together in a garden.

24. Have a cook-out.

25. Throw a pool party.

26. Fly kites.

27. Check out free comedy movies from the public library and pop some popcorn.

28. Visit a theme park together, such as Six Flags, Busch Gardens, Sea World or Disney World.

29. Get a football, basketball or softball game together.

30. Have a Bible Study/Prayer Meeting with a small group. Sing songs together.

31. Pack your backpack and take a day hike.

32. Visit garage sales.

33. Look at Christmas lights together, and finish the evening with steaming mugs of hot chocolate.

34. Go sailing.

35. Have a Frisbee contest.

36. Read a book aloud to each other.

37. Listen to audiocassette tapes together and discuss them.

38. Visit people in the hospital and pray for them before you leave.

39. Volunteer to help with school or city beautification projects.

40. Volunteer to help a child improve his or her reading skills.

41. Go to church activities together and get involved in ministry-outreach.