For Husband's Only:
A Husband's Personal Checklist

Are you interested in examining a checklist of ways that husbands typically offend their wives? In this checklist Dr. Debbi Dunlap encourages men who find it hard to identify specific ways that they offend their wives, to read through the list carefully and prayerfully.

Listed below are some of the offenses that husbands typically commit against their wives. As you read through this list you may wish to check any of these offenses that apply to you.

___ 1. Ignoring her

___ 2. Not valuing her opinions

___ 3. Paying other people more attention than I pay her

___ 4. Not listening to her or not understanding what she feels is important

___ 5. Closing her out by not talking to her or by not listening to her (the Silent Treatment)

___ 6. Being easily distracted when she’s trying to talk

___ 7. Not scheduling special time to be with her

___ 8. Not being open to talk about things that I don’t understand

___ 9. Not being open to talk about things that she doesn’t understand

___ 10. Not giving her a chance to fully voice her opinion on decisions that affect the entire family

___ 11. Punishing her by being angry or silent

___ 12. Making jokes about certain aspects of her life

___ 13. Making sarcastic comments about her

___ 14. Insulting her in front of other people

___ 15. Coming back at her with quick responses when we are arguing

___ 16. Giving harsh admonitions

___ 17. Using careless words before I think through how they will affect her

___ 18. Nagging her and speaking harshly

___ 19. Correcting her before giving her a chance to fully explain a situation

___ 20. Raising my voice at her

___ 21. Making critical comments that seem to have no logical basis

___ 22. Swearing or using foul language in her presence

___ 23. Correcting her in public

___ 24. Being tactless when pointing out her weaknesses or “blind spots”

___ 25. Reminding her angrily that I warned her not to do something

___ 26. Having disgusted or judgmental attitudes in general

___ 27. Pressuring her when she is already feeling low or offended

___ 28. Lecturing her when she needs to be comforted, encouraged, or treated gently

___ 29. Breaking promises without any explanation or without asking to be released from the promise

___ 30. Telling her how wonderful other women are or comparing her in any way to other women

___ 31. Holding onto resentment about something that she did and which she tried to make right

___ 32. Being disrespectful to her family members or other relatives

___ 33. Coercing her into arguments

___ 34. Correcting or punishing her in anger for something that she is not guilty of

___ 35. Not praising her for something that she did well, even if she did it for me

___ 36. Treating her like a child

___ 37. Being rude to her or to other people when we are in public (such as restaurant personnel or store clerks)

___ 38. Being unaware of her needs

___ 39. Being ungrateful

___ 40. Not trusting her

___ 41. Not approving of what she does or of how she does it

___ 42. Not being interested in her personal growth or her spiritual growth

___ 43. Being inconsistent in my life or having double standards (doing things that I don’t want her to do)

___ 44. Not giving her advice when she really needs it and asks for it

___ 45. Not telling her that I love her in specific ways

___ 46. Having proud and arrogant attitudes in general

___ 47. Not giving her the daily encouragement that she needs

___ 48. Failing to include her in conversation when we are out together with other people

___ 49. Failing to spend focused time with her when we attend social gatherings

___ 50. “Talking her down”—continuing to discuss or argue a point simply to prove that I was right

___ 51. Ignoring her around the house as if she weren’t a member of the family

___ 52. Not taking time at the end of the day to listen to what is important to her

___ 53. Not paying any attention to her at social gatherings

___ 54. Not attending church together as a family

___ 55. Failing to honestly express to her what I think are her innermost feelings

___ 56. Showing more excitement for work and other activities than for her

___ 57. Being impolite at mealtimes

___ 58. Having sloppy manners around the house or in front of others

___ 59. Not inviting her out regularly on special romantic dates (Just the two of us)

___ 60. Not helping her with the children at extra stressful times, such as just before mealtimes or at bedtime

___ 61. Not volunteering to help her with the dishes occasionally—or with cleaning the house

___ 62. Making her feel stupid when she shares an idea about my work or about decisions that must be made

___ 63. Making her feel unworthy for desiring certain furniture or insurance or other material needs for herself and the family

___ 64. Being inconsistent with the discipline of the children

___ 65. Not taking an interest in playing with the children and not spending quality and quantity time with them

___ 66. Failing to show affection for her in public, such as holding her hand or putting my arm around her (As if I seem to be embarrassed to be with her)

___ 67. Not sharing my life, my ideas or my feelings with her (such as what’s going on at work)

___ 68. Neglecting the spiritual leadership of my home

___ 69. Demanding my wife to submit to me

___ 70. Demanding her to respond to me sexually when we are not in harmony with one another

___ 71. Being unwilling to readily admit when I am wrong

___ 72. Being defensive whenever she points out one of my “blind spots”

___ 73. Being too busy with work or other activities

___ 74. Not showing compassion and understanding for her and the children when there is a real need to do so

___ 75. Not planning for the future, which makes her very insecure

___ 76. Being stingy with money, making her feel that she has to beg for every penny

___ 77. Wanting us to do things sexually that make her feel embarrassed

___ 78. Reading pornographic magazines or watching indiscreet videos

___ 79. Forcing her to make many of the decisions regarding the checkbook and bills

___ 80. Forcing her to handle bill collectors and overdue bills

___ 81. Not letting her lean on my gentleness and strength (or not having gentleness and strength for her to lean on)

___ 82. Not allowing her to fail—always believing that I have to correct her

___ 83. Refusing to recognize her uniqueness and her differences as a woman

___ 84. Criticizing her womanly characteristics or sensitivity as being weakness

___ 85. Spending too much money and placing the family under financial pressure

___ 86. Not having a sense of humor and not joking about things together

___ 87. Not sending her special love letters or hand-written notes from time to time

___ 88. Forgetting special occasions like anniversaries or birthdays

___ 89. Not defending her when somebody else is criticizing her or tearing her down, especially if it is one of my relatives or friends

___ 90. Not putting my arms around her and hugging her when she needs to be comforted

___ 91. Not praising her to other people

___ 92. Being dishonest

___ 93. Discouraging her when she tries to better herself, either through education or through exercise

___ 94. Continuing to practice distasteful or harmful habits

___ 95. Not treating her as if “Handle With Care” were stamped on her forehead

___ 96. Ignoring her relatives and the people who are important to her

___ 97. Taking her for granted; assuming that “a woman’s work is never done”

___ 98. Not including her in future plans until the last minute

___ 99. Seldom doing little unexpected things for her to let her know that I love her and appreciate her

___ 100. Not treating her as an intellectual equal

___ 101. Viewing her as a weaker individual in general

___ 102. Being preoccupied with my own goals and needs, and making her feel that she and the children are not my top priority

___ 103. Threatening to never let her do something again because she made some mistake in the past

___ 104. Criticizing her behind her back (This is especially painful for her if she hears about my criticism from someone else)

___ 105. Blaming her for things in our relationship that are clearly my fault

___ 106. Not being aware of her physical limitations; treating her like a man by roughhousing with her or making her carry heavy objects

___ 107. Being impatient or angry with her when she can’t keep up with my schedule or physical stamina

___ 108. Acting as though I am a martyr if I go along with her opinions

___ 109. Sulking when she challenges my comments

___ 110. Joining too many organizations that exclude her and the children

___ 111. Failing to repair items around the house

___ 112. Watching too much TV and therefore, neglecting family time

___ 113. Demanding that she must sit down and listen to my point of view when she needs to be doing other things

___ 114. Insisting upon lecturing her in order to convey the importance of the points that I want to make

___ 115. Humiliating her with words and actions, saying things like, “I can’t stand to live in a messy home”

___ 116. Not taking the time to prepare her to enjoy sexual intimacy

___ 117. Spending money extravagantly without being faithful in giving to God

___ 118. Avoiding family activities that the children enjoy

___ 119. Taking vacations that are primarily what I want to do

___ 120. Not letting her get away to spend time with friends, go shopping, go out for coffee and dessert at a restaurant, etc.

___ 121. Being unwilling to join her in the things that she enjoys like shopping, going out for coffee and dessert at a restaurant, etc.

___ 122. Not understanding the challenging responsibilities that a wife has: laundry, cooking, picking up clothes and toys all day long, wiping runny noses, changing diapers, etc.

___ 123. Refusing to be self-sacrificial by regularly touching her in non-sexual ways, strictly for her pleasure and enjoyment, not leading to sexual intercourse

Now go back and write out each offense expanding specifically on each one. Then, sit down with your wife and ask her to forgive you for every offense. This is one of the most important projects to restoring and strengthening a marriage. Give it your best effort. She will be able to sense any insincerity.

As men read through these items they should keep in mind that the purpose of this list is to help them begin the process of repentance, reconciliation and marital restoration.

For Wives Only:
A Wife's Personal Evaluation Checklist

Are you interested in examining a checklist of ways that wives typically offend their husbands? In this checklist Dr. Debbi Dunlap encourages women who find it hard to identify specific ways that they offend their husbands, to read through the list prayerfully. He suggests that each reader check the items that apply, for the purpose of repentance, reconciliation and marital restoration.

Listed below are some of the offenses that wives typically commit against their husbands. As women read through this list they may wish to check any of these offenses that apply to them.

___ 1. Expecting him to know what I need without telling him

___ 2. Ignoring him

___ 3. Trying to be financially independent

___ 4. Not valuing his opinions

___ 5. Insisting on maintaining separate checking accounts

___ 6. Showing more attention to other people than I show to him

___ 7. Demonstrating greater loyalty to other people (children, parents, employer, friends, pastor, etc.) than to him

___ 8. Resisting his decisions in my heart

___ 9. Resisting his physical affection

___ 10. Making him feel guilty if he desires me sexually when I don’t desire him

___ 11. Being unresponsive to him sexually

___ 12. Withholding sex as a means of punishing him for his insensitivity or wrong behavior

___ 13. Taking his responsibilities into my own hands in order to see to it that they get done

___ 14. Not respecting him as a person who is in authority over me

___ 15. Having a lack of respect for him as the God-given leader in our home

___ 16. Not expressing confidence in him when he makes wrong decisions

___ 17. Not showing loyalty and support in spite of the wrong decisions he makes

___ 18. Not appreciating him for the positive things that he does for me or for the family

___ 19. Not expressing enthusiasm for his achievements

___ 20. Being inattentive to him when he is talking

___ 21. Letting myself go in physical appearance and/or health

___ 22. Not being determined to develop a gentle and contented spirit, which the Bible says is precious in God’s sight

___ 23. Failing to know or to apply the biblical principles of appeal when I need to do so

___ 24. Being unwilling to forgive my husband for past failures or hurts

___ 25. Failing to explain my needs and fears without condemning him

___ 26. Being unwilling to define my responsibilities to my husband

___ 27. Criticizing or discrediting him in front of other people

___ 28. Failing to encourage my husband to spend time alone with the Lord

___ 29. Condemning him for not being the spiritual leader and taking more spiritual responsibility

___ 30. Not understanding that a man’s need to spend time alone with God is not a rejection of his wife

___ 31. Being unwilling to learn contentment in my present circumstances

___ 32. Being ungrateful for each expression of his love or provision

___ 33. Not praising him for any growth or achievement in areas where I want him to improve

___ 34. Not visualizing how the problems of marriage are helping me achieve greater character and growth in my relationship with Jesus Christ

___ 35. Making sarcastic comments about him

___ 36. Insulting him in front of others

___ 37. Using careless words when I communicate with him

___ 38. Nagging him and speaking harshly

___ 39. Raising my voice at him

___ 40. Making critical comments that seem to have no basis

___ 41. Swearing or using foul language in his presence

___ 42. Correcting him in public

___ 43. Being tactless when I point out his weaknesses or blind spots

___ 44. Reminding him angrily that I warned him not to do something

___ 45. Having disgusted or judgmental attitudes

___ 46. Telling him how wonderful other men are and comparing him to them

___ 47. Being disrespectful to his family members and other relatives

___ 48. Coercing him into arguments

___ 49. Not praising him for something that he did well, even if he did it for me

___ 50. Treating him like a child

___ 51. Being unaware of his needs

___ 52. Not trusting him

___ 53. Not approving of what he does or how he does it in a general sense

___ 54. Not being interested in my own personal growth or spiritual growth

___ 55. Not giving him input when he really needs it and asks for it

___ 56. Not telling him that I love him in specific ways

___ 57. Having generally selfish and condemning attitudes

___ 58. Not attending church regularly

___ 59. Showing more excitement for work and other activities than for him

___ 60. Not being consistent with the discipline of the children

___ 61. Being unwilling to admit when I am wrong

___ 62. Being defensive when he points out one of my “blind spots”

___ 63. Being too busy with work and other activities

___ 64. Not allowing him to fail—believing that I always have to correct him

___ 65. Spending too much money, using credit cards unwisely, and getting the family too deeply into debt

___ 66. Not having a sense of humor and not being able to joke about things

___ 67. Not telling him how important he is to me

___ 68. Not defending him when someone else is complaining about him or tearing him down, (especially if it is one of my relatives or friends)

___ 69. Not bragging to other people about him

___ 70. Ignoring his relatives and the people who are important to him

___ 71. Criticizing him behind his back (This is especially painful for him if he hears about my criticism from someone else.)

___ 72. Blaming him for the things in our relationship that are clearly my fault

___ 73. Becoming impatient or angry with him when he can’t keep up with my schedule or physical stamina

___ 74. Acting as though I am a martyr if I go along with his decisions

___ 75. Sulking when he challenges my comments

___ 76. Insisting upon lecturing him in order to convey the importance of my points

___ 77. Putting other things before him

___ 78. Showing more appreciation or admiration for other men than for him

___ 79. Criticizing or belittling his character or abilities

___ 80. Pushing him to do things that he thinks should not be done

___ 81. Making fun of his leadership (even in jest)

___ 82. Not seeking his advice or counsel on issues in my world

___ 83. Allowing trivial and non-essential discussions to become arguments

___ 84. Complaining excessively (whining)

___ 85. Honoring my parents above him

___ 86. Devaluing his input with the children

___ 87. Complaining about the time that he needs with other men to pursue positive goals

___ 88. Showing no interest in his recreational interests

___ 89. Violating money management agreements

___ 90. Not generally admiring him as a man

___ 91. Not respecting his leadership

___ 92. Berating him for lack of spiritual leadership

___ 93. Not paying full attention while he is talking to other people or to me

___ 94. Interrupting him before I have heard him out

___ 95. Trying to get in the last word in order to win an argument

___ 96. Using statements like “You always…” and “You never…”

___ 97. Devaluing his vocation or work pursuits

___ 98. Failing to take care of my physical appearance

___ 99. Failing to assume the primary responsibility for keeping the house neat and clean

___ 100. Making fun of his physical appearance

___ 101. Not building him up and not encouraging him

___ 102. Not expressing a gentle and respectful spirit when we disagree

___ 103. Bringing up past failures and hurts

___ 104. Arguing with him or questioning him in front of the children

___ 105. Consistently putting the children’s needs before his

___ 106. Keeping secrets from him and being untrustworthy

___ 107. Making excuses about the children’s disobedience

___ 108. Shopping, and spending money as a means to relieve my depression or discouraged mood (or to retaliate against him)

___ 109. Forgetting things that matter to him

___ 110. Not praying for him

Now go back and write out each offense expanding specifically on each one. Then, sit down with your husband and ask him to forgive you for every offense. This is one of the most important projects to restoring and strengthening a marriage. Give it your best effort. He will be able to sense any insincerity.

As women read through these items, they should keep in mind that the purpose of the list is to help them repent, and restore and reconcile their marriage relationship. It is wise to ask God for the opportunity to humble themselves before their husbands, for the purpose of repentance, restoration and reconciliation in their marriage relationships. 

For Parents Only:
A Parent's Personal Evaluation Checklist

Review a self-evaluation checklist of offenses that parents typically commit against their children.

Are you interested in a tool that would help you mend a broken relationship with your child, or perhaps heal a wounded son or daughter? In this article Dr. Dunlap urges parents who find it hard to identify specific ways that they offend their children to read through this list carefully prayerfully.

Listed below are some of the offenses that parents typically commit against their children. As you read through this list you may wish to check any of these offenses that apply to you.

___ 1. I have imposed discipline that I later wished that I had not imposed.

___ 2. I have “called my child names” in an attempt to correct him or her.

___ 3. I do not always encourage my child to be all that he or she can be.

___ 4. I am often inattentive to my child when he or she is speaking to me.

___ 5. When I instruct my child I sometimes imply that he or she is dumb for not already having this piece of knowledge.

___ 6. I do not attempt to understand the reasons why my child gets angry.

___ 7. I fail to instruct my child when he or she has been disobedient.

___ 8. I do not allow my child to make an increasing number of decisions.

___ 9. I have used nagging to coerce my child to do things.

___ 10. I do not allow my child to feel the consequences of his or her infractions.

___ 11. I have belittled my child to other people (brothers, sisters, family members, friends, etc.)

___ 12. I do not allow my child to enter into adult conversations.

___ 13. It is hard for me to accept and respect the differences in temperament and personality traits of my children.

___ 14. I have punished my child in anger.

___ 15. I have disciplined my child inconsistently.

___ 16. I rarely ask my child for forgiveness.

___ 17. I do not encourage my child when he or she is disappointed or discouraged.

___ 18. I speak negatively about my child’s friends.

___ 19. I have used sarcasm as a means of discipline.

___ 20. I have not required my child to make restitution when it has been appropriate for him or her to do so.

___ 21. I have spanked my child in front of other people (siblings, friends, other family members, etc.)

___ 22. I do not help my child appreciate his or her unique abilities.

___ 23. I do not show the same courtesy to my child that I do to others.

___ 24. I have threatened but failed to perform certain discipline.

___ 25. I frequently overreact to my child or to situations.

___ 26. I sometimes feel out of control when I spank my child.

___ 27. I have lost my temper in front of my child.

___ 28. I often do not encourage and support my child’s personal interests.

___ 29. Yelling and screaming is part of my method for controlling or disciplining my child.

___ 30. I have withdrawn my affection from my child after disciplining him or her.

___ 31. I usually do not praise my child when he or she elects not to repeat a bad behavior after having had the opportunity to do so.

___ 32. I fail to pay my child frequent compliments.

___ 33. I have held a grudge against my child.

___ 34. Sometimes the tone of my voice says, “Go away. I don’t want to be bothered.”

___ 35. There may be some question in my child’s mind as to who the leader is in our home.

___ 36. In our home, solving problems usually includes a lot of emotionalism.

___ 37. I do not usually hear or accept my child’s ideas and suggestions for problem solving.

___ 38. I do not usually allow my child to “have his or her own opinions.”

___ 39. I sometimes play favorites with my children.

___ 40. Sometimes I do not give my child the attention that he or she needs.

___ 41. There are times when my child may feel less important than other people in our home.

___ 42. At times I have used intimidation as disciplinary means.

___ 43. My child has not learned to pray by listening to my prayers.

___ 44. I have been inconsistent in reading Christian literature aloud to my child.

___ 45. My child has witnessed my inconsistency in my personal devotional time.

___ 46. We do not frequently use the Bible to make decisions in our family.

___ 47. Except for mealtimes, we do not usually pray together as a family.

___ 48. We do not have regular family devotions.

___ 49. My child has not seen me regularly witness to lost people.

___ 50. We do not memorize scripture together as a family.

___ 51. I have not consistently taught my child the biblical principles for living an obedient Christian life.

___ 52. I do not have a good understanding of how my child’s needs change as he grows up.

___ 53. I do not know the names of my child’s friends.

___ 54. I rarely have time to play games with my child.

___ 55. I do not spend time individually with each of my children, doing things that they enjoy.

___ 56. I do not look my child in the eye when I talk to him or her.

___ 57. I do not express appropriate physical affection for my child by hugging and touching him or her.

___ 58. I do not tell my child that he or she is special to me.

___ 59. I do not point out positive character qualities that I see in my child.

___ 60. I often vary my approach in how I deal with my child.

___ 61. My child, oftentimes, does not know what to expect from me.

___ 62. I usually do not sacrifice personal time in order to be with my child.

___ 63. I am not as involved as I should be with the discipline of my child.

___ 64. My child does not see me making an effort to keep the romance alive in my marriage.

___ 65. My child does not see me making an effort to maintain a good relationship with my spouse.

___ 66. I have been guilty of hitting my child when I was angry.

___ 67. I do not take an active role in my child’s education.

___ 68. I do not touch or hug my child every day.

___ 69. I do not tell my child on a consistent basis that I am proud of him or her.

___ 70. I have not been a good role model for my child.

___ 71. I have not consistently modeled the kind of behavior that I want my child to imitate.

___ 72. I do not respond calmly when my child says hurtful things.

___ 73. I have not taught my child how to respond if he or she disagrees with me.

___ 74. I do not make an effort to improve my parenting skills, by attending classes, reading books, etc.

___ 75. I have bribed my child with a reward for good behavior, such as, “If you behave we will go to McDonalds.

Check any number below that you think your child would check.

___ 76. I feel that my relationship with my parents is hopeless.

___ 77. I don’t settle disagreements with my parents quickly enough.

___ 78. I’m afraid to “get involved” in a close relationship with my parents.

___ 79. I’m afraid to let my parents know who I really am.

___ 80. My past mistakes have damaged my relationship with my parents.

___ 81. I feel like I’m my parents’ slave.

___ 82. I’m afraid my parents will abandon me.

___ 83. I do not feel accepted or understood by my parents.

___ 84. I sense a “distance” in my relationship with my parents.

___ 85. I do not communicate with my parents.

___ 86. I do not feel that my parents are “on my side.”

Now go back and write out each offense expanding specifically on each one. Then, sit down with your child and ask them to forgive you for every offense. This is one of the most important projects to restoring and strengthening a parent-child relationship. Give it your best effort. They will be able to sense any insincerity.

As parents read through these items they should keep in mind that the purpose of this list is to begin the process of repentance, reconciliation and restoration.

For Children Only:
A Child's Personal Evaluation Checklist

Review a self-evaluation checklist of offenses that children commit against their parents.

Are you interested in a tool that would help you mend a broken relationship with your parents? In this checklist Dr. Dunlap urges children and teenagers who find it hard to identify specific ways that they offend their parents to read through this list carefully and prayerfully.

Listed below are some of the offenses that children typically commit against their parents. As you read through this list you may wish to check any of these offenses that apply to you.

___ 1.   Saying “no” to parents

___ 2.   Interrupting parent and adult conversations

___ 3.   Complaining about instructions given

___ 4.   Delayed obedience (i.e. waiting to obey, talking to procrastinate obedience)

___ 5.   Arguing/explaining against doing something

___ 6.   Complaining about food, shoes, clothes, etc. / general ungratefulness

___ 7.   Comparing parents

___ 8.   Talking back to parents.

___ 9.   Rolling eyes at parents.

___ 10. Devaluing parents by talking about them negatively to others.

___ 11. Doing a job half-heartedly just to get through

___ 12. Manipulating to get your way

___ 13. Lying

___ 14. Half-truths/deception

___ 15. Not calling when you’re going to be late coming home

___ 16. Doing anything you know your parents disapprove of

___ 17. Stealing/non-approved borrowing

___ 18. Yelling/talking rudely to parents

___ 19. Stating “you never” or “you always”

___ 20. Misusing furniture (including slamming doors, hitting walls, throwing things, etc.)

___ 21. Pouting

___ 22. Neglecting duties

___ 23. Not showing appreciation

___ 24. Not receiving instruction/correction – being unteachable (pride)

___ 25. Getting out of bed for inappropriate reasons to delay obedience in sleeping

___ 26. Making long-distance phone calls without permission

___ 27. Doing anything illegal in the house

___ 28. Having guests/phone calls past bedtime hours

___ 29. Begging

___ 30. Not taking care of room, toys, clothes (stewardship)

___ 31. Misquoting  parents to siblings

___ 32. Not serving with a good attitude

___ 33. Always having to be asked/told to do something

___ 34. Leaving areas of the house messy

___ 35. Asking the same question repeatedly after an answer has been given

___ 36. Playing tricks on your parents

___ 37. Ignoring parents

___ 38. Not giving parents your total attention when they are talking to you

___ 39. Not responding when called/ slow response

___ 40. Not taking care of elderly parents

___ 41. Playing/manipulating one parent against the other

___ 42. Tryi