When You Have Been Involved in an Affair

Adultery has tragic consequences, and concealing the transgression only compounds the tragedy. 

In this second part of a four-part case study, Dr. Debbi Dunlap brings to light how the sin of adultery, kept concealed, can damage both marriage partners – spiritually and physically. Keeping such a secret only causes the unfaithful partner to have feelings of deep guilt that will seriously hurt the marriage relationship. There can also be lasting consequences to health due to undetected sexually transmitted diseases. The sin of marital unfaithfulness has tragic consequences, and deceptively concealing it only compounds the misery for everyone.

I explained to a counselee who had not yet confessed his extramarital affair to his wife that he had broken a vow to her, he had lied to her and he had covered over his sin in violation of God’s Word. Then I pointed out three more reasons why he should tell her about his infidelity.

The secret sin of adultery causes an unfaithful partner to have feelings of deep guilt that seriously damage a marriage relationship. God is swift to discipline every Christian who attempts to hide his sin. Psalm 32:2-4 explains, “How blessed is the man to whom the Lord does not impute iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no deceit. When I kept silent about my sin, my body wasted away…for day and night Your hand was heavy upon me.” Proverbs 28:13 warns, “He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion.”

Christians can be sure that their sins will “find them out.” God faithfully disciplines His children and exposes concealed sin.

Sometimes a Christian continues to commit a particular sin for such a long period of time that he numbs his conscience and no longer feels guilty. We must remember, however, that guilt is not primarily a feeling, but rather a standing before a holy God. Although a person may not feel the emotional pangs of guilt for his marital infidelity, he is, nonetheless, guilty; and his guilt takes an undeniable toll on his marriage. Believers are commanded to speak the truth in love to one another. Every spouse has the right, before God, to know when the sacred trust of his marriage has been violated.

Many spouses must deal with the heartbreak of their partners’ unfaithfulness and the tragic consequence of having contracted a sexually transmitted disease.

The next argument for confessing marital infidelity is that extramarital sex exposes both marriage partners to the danger of contracting sexually transmitted diseases. Some of these diseases may not manifest themselves until years later, but they all have devastating, sometimes fatal, results. 1 Corinthians 6:18-20 firmly addresses this issue:

Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit…and that you are not your own? For you have been bought with a price; therefore glorify God in your body.

Through the years, I have counseled many people who faced the shattering news that the unfaithful spouse had infected his, or her, marriage partner with some type of sexually transmitted disease. The need for medical attention was as urgent as their need for counseling.

Marriage partners should understand that their bodies are not their own. Consider another Scripture found in 1 Corinthians 7:4, “The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does, and likewise also, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.” The one-flesh relationship between husbands and wives is a spiritual transaction. God supernaturally causes the two people to become one in His sight. Thus, the sin of adultery damages both marriage partners, physically and spiritually.

The sin of marital unfaithfulness has tragic consequences, and deceptively concealing it only compounds the heartache and misery experienced by everyone involved.

Does it Help or Hurt to Confess
Adultery to Your Spouse?

Learn why it is so important for the adulterer to confess to the injured spouse. 

In this third part of a four-part case study, Dr. Debbi Dunlap answers many of the objections adulterers raise as to why they should keep their sin secret. Scripture shows us that keeping the sin of adultery a secret not only harms a marriage but also prevents the wronged spouse from growing as a Christian. All sinners must confess before God’s intended restoration and reconciliation can truly take place through the process of humility, confession, responsibility and restitution.

A man came to my office for counseling because he was overwhelmed with guilt feelings. Many years earlier, he had been involved in an adulterous affair for several months. Although he ended his involvement with the woman, and had repented before God, he decided that the best course of action was not to confess his infidelity to his wife. The reason he came to me was because he couldn’t figure out why the guilt feelings persisted so many years after the affair had ended.

I gave him biblical reasons explaining why he should confess his adulterous affair to his wife.

In addition to presenting him with five other biblical reasons why I disagreed with his thinking, I reminded him of 1 Peter 4:12,13: “Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when His glory is revealed.” I told him that if he chose to keep the sin of adultery hidden from his wife, he would deny her the opportunity to grow in certain important aspects of the Christian life. I explained that no matter how shattered and devastated his wife might be upon hearing of his unfaithfulness, if she asked God to, He would grant her an abundant portion of love, forgiveness and persevering faith.

He believed that if he told her about his marital infidelity, she would be too hurt to forgive him.

He expressed three major objections to my counsel. First, he believed that his confession would only serve to hurt an innocent party. “The affair is long since over and done with,” he protested. “God has forgiven me and the other woman has forgiven me. My wife is unaware that any of this went on, so I would only be hurting her unnecessarily.” I countered, however, that he had already deeply hurt her by sinning against her, whether or not she knew the specifics of the situation. The Bible clearly teaches that when sin occurs, God intends for restoration and reconciliation to take place through the process of humility, confession, responsibility and restitution.

We cannot escape or circumvent these truths. James 4:6-10 is a key passage in this matter:

God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and He will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up.

When a husband or wife deceives a spouse by being unfaithful, the offended partner usually senses that something is not right in the marriage relationship.

Second, he argued that his wife would not be able to handle the news of his infidelity. He described her as having a volatile temper, and he was afraid that she would leave him. He also mentioned that she was the “nervous type” and would probably have a mental breakdown.

He was convinced that he would lose his children, and possibly even his job, if she decided to act vindictively and tell people what he had done. I explained that a husband or a wife almost always suspects that something is wrong in the marriage relationship when the sin of adultery has occurred. I told him that the destructive seeds of suspicion and mistrust had undoubtedly already been sown in his marriage.

I appealed to him to cast himself on God’s mercy and obediently take the necessary biblical steps to heal his marriage.

How to Confess Adultery to Your Spouse

Biblical guidelines show how confessing adultery becomes the beginning of forgiveness.

In this fourth part of a four-part case study, Dr. Debbi Dunlap outlines and encourages adulterers to adhere to biblical guidelines for confessing. The wording, setting and timing of the confession should be carefully and prayerfully planned, because when a confession is not handled scripturally, the outcome is often worse than if the unfaithful party had never confessed. Dr. Dunlap reminds the adulterer, turned confessor, that confession is only the beginning of the forgiveness process.

The counselee who came to me because he had ongoing guilt feelings for years after he had ended his extramarital affair was very reluctant to tell his wife about his sexual betrayal. He was convinced that she would not forgive him and that she would divorce him upon hearing the news.

An unfaithful marriage partner should not assume that his spouse knows nothing about it.

I explained to him that I had witnessed countless situations where an unfaithful husband, for example, was convinced that his wife was completely ignorant of his infidelity and was subsequently shocked to hear that she had suspected for some time that an affair was going on. I told him that his wife would probably not be surprised by his confession.

I assured him that God gives His children sufficient grace to handle all of life’s trials when they act in obedience to His commands. He also supplies abundant grace to the offended party if he or she chooses, by faith, to appropriate that grace. I explained that his wife might decide to forgive him, or not to forgive him. The sin, however, would be hers—not his—if she should choose to refuse God’s offer of grace and disobey His command to forgive “seventy times seven.” I reminded him that when we trust the Lord, we leave the results in His hands. I pointed out the obvious fact that God was doing a sanctifying and cleansing work in his wife’s life as well. I encouraged him to confess his fears to God and then to confidently obey His Word.

A confession that is not handled biblically always makes matters worse.

I further explained to him that he should carefully and prayerfully plan the wording, the setting and the timing of his confession to his wife. When a confession is not handled scripturally, the outcome is often much worse than if the unfaithful party had never confessed his infidelity. I urged him to consider three important biblical principles. First, he should confess his sin to her in the presence of an experienced counselor who could minister to her in the aftermath of the confession. He needed to choose someone who was trained to deal with this kind of situation and who was thoroughly acquainted with how to apply the biblical principles of guilt resolution, forgiveness and restoration to their situation.

The offended spouse seriously hinders the restoration process when he or she insists upon hearing all the sordid details of the affair.

Second, the confession should include information about the person with whom he was involved, when the adultery took place, and how often it occurred. I cautioned him to make every possible effort to avoid talking about the details of the affair, in obedience to the scriptural command that forbids us to speak of the details of evil. The counselor should encourage his wife to ask any questions she might have that are related to the general nature of the offense. If, however, she felt that she must ask specific questions, she should be urged to do so only when the counselor is present. Finally, I told him that he and his wife should begin going through the process of biblical forgiveness together with the counselor. The point of confession is only the beginning of a rebuilding process between a husband and wife whose marriage has been sabotaged by the heartbreak of adultery.