Parents want to know their adult children are
happy, and they want to be needed for their
counsel.
Do adult children perhaps overemphasize the
“leaving and cleaving” principle? It’s true that
parents must not interfere in their adult
children’s decisions, but they still long to
know that their adult children are happy, secure
and successful—and that they are productive,
effective Christians. In these three articles on
parenting adult children, Dr. Dunlap urges men
and women to communicate regularly with their
parents. He suggests that they consult their
parents for wise counsel and valuable
encouragement.
Parents want to know their adult children are
happy, and they want to be needed for their
counsel.
Do adult
children perhaps overemphasize the “leaving and
cleaving” principle? It’s true that parents must
not interfere in their adult children’s
decisions, but they still long to know that
their adult children are happy, secure and
successful—and that they are productive,
effective Christians. In the first of three
articles on parenting adult children, Dr. Dunlap
urges men and women to communicate regularly
with their parents. He suggests that they
consult their parents for wise counsel and
valuable encouragement.
1.
Parents want to know if their adult children are
happy.
Most Christian parents
fully concur with the truth that happiness is
fleeting, and that Believers technically pursue
the abiding quality of joyinstead.
However, we should grasp what parents mean when
they ask us, their adult children, “Are you
happy?” This question is very important to
them.
They want to be able
to see that we are happy, and they want to know
whether or not we are handling life in a
spiritually mature manner. This does not mean
that they expect our lives to be problem-free.
That is not a realistic picture of life.
Rather, they want to be certain that we have the
inner resources and strength to draw upon, in
order to deal biblically with challenging
situations as they arise.
They are rightfully
interested in our marriage relationship. Are we
growing together in Christ, and are we bearing
fruit for the kingdom of God? These are
legitimate questions to ask and they do not
violate the “leaving and cleaving” principle.
There is a distinct difference between
interfering in our personal affairs, and longing
to see us as productive, effective Christians.
Parents want to know
that our job situation is secure. Because they
love us, they have certain valid concerns for
our financial well-being. Are our basic needs
being met? Are we planning wisely for our
future financial needs? Will money be available
for their grandchildren’s education? Have we
managed to avoid the alluring trap of credit
card debt—the deceptive and unscriptural “buy
now, pay later” mentality?
They have no basis for
prying or for inquiring as to the details of our
income flow, such as our expenditure decisions,
for example. They are perfectly within their
bounds, however, to lovingly and discreetly
encourage us to live within a budget and
implement biblical principles of finance.
It is especially
gratifying for them to know that we have a
loving, healthy relationship with our children.
Someone has wisely noted, “We haven't really
taught someone a concept until he/she is able to
teach someone else that concept.” Knowing that
we enjoy close parent-child relationships with
our children, is, understandably, yet another
validation of their own parenting years.
2.
Parents want to be needed for their counsel.
Proverbs 6:20-22 is a
reassuring promise, “My son, observe the
commandment of your father, and do not forsake
the teaching of your mother. Bind them
continually on your heart…when you walk about
they will guide you, when you sleep they will
watch over you, and when you awake, they will
talk to you.”
While parents no
longer have biblical authority over their adult
children’s lives, they continue to have valuable
life experiences and counsel that their children
would be prudent to avail themselves of. When
adult children solicit their parents’ counsel at
different junctures of life, they often make
better, more informed decisions, and they
circumvent unnecessary heartache.
Parents want to feel
appreciated by their adult children, and
secure in their love.
Have you managed to
convince yourself that the biblical
command, “Honor your father and your
mother,” is meant only for young
children? In the second of three
articles on parenting adult children,
Dr. Dunlap explains that this command
applies even to grown children. It’s
true, God does not command us, as
adults, to obey our parents. However, He
instructs us to demonstrate honor and
respect for them. Find out how!
The biblical
command, “Honor your father and your
mother,” is not meant exclusively
for young children. Adult children
should honor their parents as long as
they live. It is important to note that
in the Old Testament command, God does
not instruct us to honor our mothers and
fathers if they good, effective parents.
We are to honor them because of their
God-given positions in our lives—a
position of authority when we are young,
and of counsel when we are adults. God
knew exactly what each of our parents
would be like before He entrusted us to
their care and upbringing, whether it
was good or bad. He used the uniqueness
of the parents He gave us to accomplish
His specific will in each of our
lives.
Many adults,
however, do not know how to demonstrate
honor and respect for their parents. I
encourage adult children to work hard at
communicating their profound “debt of
love” to their parents. Let them know
that you are happy and fulfilled. Take
advantage of their wise counsel. Find
creative ways to thank them for all that
they have done to make your life
successful. Even the worst of parents
usually contributed something of value
to their children’s lives. Ask God to
reveal those things to you. Plan little
surprises for them from time to time,
and spend time with them as consistently
as possible. Mark a calendar to help
you remember special occasions in their
lives. Take the time to write special
thank-you notes for their many acts of
kindness. Teach your children to write
notes of gratitude to acknowledge gifts
that they receive from them. Pre-address
and stamp several envelopes to have on
hand for mailing young children’s
artwork to grandparents.
Parents
especially enjoy phone calls from their
children and grandchildren who live too
far away for frequent personal visits.
Grandchildren might even encourage
grandparents to brush up on their
computer skills and take advantage of
email, as a fun way of communicating
with one another.
3.
Parents want to feel
secure in your love for them.
Adult children, do you
love your parents? Keep in mind that
love is far more than a feeling, and we
can experience love even when no
feelings exist. Regularly express your
love to your parents, both verbally and
with specific acts of kindness. Look
for areas of need in their lives, and
make any personal sacrifices necessary
in order to fulfill those needs. Are
they experiencing financial hardship?
Ask God for the wisdom and ability to
offer them financial assistance in a
manner that preserves their dignity.
Tend to them personally,
if possible, during times of illness, or
see to it that someone else cares for
them properly. Assure them that you
will be there for them as they grow
older and let them know they can rely on
you to see to all the details of their
personal affairs when they die.
4.Parents want
to feel appreciated for the things they
have done in the past, and for the
things they are presently doing.
When parents love their
adult children with Christ-like love,
there are “no strings attached.”
Parents, nevertheless, take great
satisfaction in seeing their adult
children demonstrate a grateful spirit.
The writer of Romans 13:8 exhorts
Believers, “Owe nothing to anyone except
to love one another; for he who loves
his neighbor has fulfilled the law.”
When adult children express their
heartfelt gratitude to their parents for
their love, encouragement, affirmation
and support, they become a great source
of blessing to them.
Read a compelling “Leave
and Cleave” love letter, from adult
children to parents.
Grandparents want to see
their life visions fulfilled in the
lives of their grandchildren as well as
in their adult children. After
discussing the importance of adult
children encouraging their parents to
develop close relationships with their
grandchildren, Dr. Dunlap provides
readers with an amazing “Leave and
Cleave” love letter. He offers this
sample letter to premarital counselees,
and encourages them to send a similar
letter to their parents before they
marry.
The final way that adult
children can honor their parents is to
give them their blessing and
encouragement to build meaningful
relationships with their grandchildren.
5.Parents
of adult children want to have close
relationships with their grandchildren.
The Bible commands
Christians to have a vision for three
generations—they are to teach the truths
of God’s Word to their children and
to their children’s children. It is
important that grandparents be given a
teaching role in their grandchildren’s
lives. Adult children should make an
effort to give their parents an ongoing
report of their grandchildren’s school
progress and extracurricular
involvement. Grandparents generally
delight in knowing the details of their
grandchildren’s various activities.
Parents want to know that
their adult children are living lives
that are acceptable and pleasing to God,
and they want to see this vision
fulfilled in their grandchildren’s lives
as well.
I often
encourage adult children to send their
parents what I call a “Leave and Cleave
Love Letter” when they are about to be
married. I offer them this sample
letter to help them organize their
thoughts.
Dear Mom and
Dad,
You have been
wonderful parents all my life. Thank
you for a lifetime of love and devotion
to me. God has used you—your words,
deeds, and attitudes—to make me who I
am. I will always be deeply grateful to
you.
The time to
leave and cleave has arrived, and this
is a very important time for us all.
Although I am leaving, I will always
honor, appreciate, respect and admire
you. But knowing you as I do, I feel
certain you agree that my relationship
with my husband/wife must now become the
priority relationship in my life.
I ask you to
regard him/her as a part of the family
in the same way that you regard me. I
also ask for your wisdom in helping us
learn to merge our two lives into a
loving, one-flesh relationship. We will
take your counsel seriously. At the
same time, we will prayerfully search
God’s Word in an effort to determine
God’s will for each situation that we
encounter.
I have always
depended on you and looked to you, as
the primary authority in my life. That
is changing now, and although the change
will be hard for me, and probably for
you, I assure you that the changes do
not diminish my deep and abiding love
for you both. I aspire to follow your
godly examples as we establish our new
family under Christ.
I want us all
to feel free to lovingly disagree from
time to time, secure in the knowledge
that we all love one another and we are
committed to one another. I eagerly
anticipate all the new and enjoyable
aspects of our relationship as they
unfold in the months and years ahead.
Thanks again
for all that you are to me, and for all
you have done for me.
Love,
Your
Son/Daughter
God is pleased
when His children make a sincere effort
to honor their parents. If you have
been unloving or ungrateful toward your
parents, repent before the Lord. Then
ask your parents to forgive you for your
ungrateful spirit, or your insensitivity
to their needs. Finally, implement a
workable plan to attempt to mend and
nurture the relationship with your
parents while there is still time. You
will reap manifold blessings from your
attempts to honor your father and mother
as God commands.
Copyright [2004] Family Counseling Ministries. All rights reserved
